tonight

Where have I landed dear one, where? It ia the confusion that arouses it is the unknown that makes you cling. Yet you wonder and you wander to a far away place..not here, not now, not previously. I wander. And I will never find my place.

Hear me roar (..to be continued)

Hear me roar,
as it fades away between the trees and the falling leaves
Hear me roar,
as the late November rain covers the old soil
See me drift
Through the cold wind announcing frost and turmoil
See me drift
Through this woodland that greatly griefs.

....

(Flying over like the soul of a lonely falcon
That cannot see through the fog under
Starving, yearning, flying high despite the thunder

The wet fur of a wolf, sprinting through the foul wood
The stench of blood and fire drawing him
Anguish, you never look back even if you could

you never feel, never see, you.. lost.

Those roots are old but cut through the bark regardless,
let the tree fall, let it crash to the ground, helpless.
but hear me roar.)

Kurfurstendamm walk

The street lights shine as I walk without purpose
it feels like I'm drowning cause I can't reach the surface
There's people around me, in masses they swim
So I pick a small street on which lights are really dim.

Delighted that I'm not lost in that crowd
Oh how well it is when the streets aren't loud.
You followed me that night, I felt you close by
Sometimes I still wonder why you always try...

I stopped that one time and you tried to talk,
Instead you looked at me once but you didn't stop.
Your ways they confuse me, so that's why I wonder
Why your shadow vanishes when I look over yonder.

The crazy never admit, so don't think me insane,
My damage comes from the heart not from the brain.

Mending

Hello you,


I know you, you are there, the support, the understanding, the comfort, the secure, my home. You are home.

I've put this off for such a long time and I kept the blog on a sidebar clicking on it from time to time trying to write.. and I'd write a few words and then delete them again. It's what keeps happening for months and I know it's bad for me. It's bad not to write because this has always been my therapy.
So many things have happened so far that it's hard to place them in one post... because each thing had some different emotion and some different role to play.

I guess I keep putting this off because more than half of this journal is about him, most of my important years in which I have learned, changed, developed my character... they all had him as an influence so I guess writing about it would be like ending the journal. You know...when you've reached your destination, you get out of your car and feel the breeze and see the beautiful view in front of you. You take the best out of the trip and then you have to leave because there are other things that require your attention, other responsibilities.
I don't know what to take out of this, I don't know if I could live without him as well as I do now, I could but it wouldn't be the same, it would be missing something. Then again we humans are smart and we can find ways to fill holes and we can replace easily. Not completely but as much as we can - "that will do", because we are good at convincing ourselves of other things, we're good at inducing other emotions if required.

I'm here, I'm 23, in Berlin, I'm responsible, I've matured a little, I'm still a lazy ass like always but I found ways to get around, I found ways to make myself do things. I've failed miserably but I've also gained experience. I figured out what I don't want to do but I have yet to be sure of what I really want to do. I am a little lost but there wasn't one time in which I didn't find a way out somehow. I'm lucky and I have the support of my family as much as my family has my support.

Did you know? I managed to mend a few wounds, I am talking to my father more, to my sister, to my brother... we are making it work somehow. My whole life I never knew I had a sister and this summer we actually got to bond. We're alike go figure, we come from the same father and we both got his intelligence and we both never really open up quite like we should. You can see the damage but you can also see that we both managed to get up and fix ourselves somehow. I like that about her and I admire her. You know she actually hugged me at one point and I could see that we both were tearing up. It couldn't have been easy for her because I know the resentment she has felt for me all these years and it's remarkable that she moved passed it and tried to let me in. I thank her for that.
I remember all those times in which I was so jealous of her, of her being so beautiful and intelligent and always having good grades and kicking ass in everything she was doing. Then she became a lawyer and she married a nice, successful judge.. who ended up to be not so nice, but I never knew the story behind everything and I never considered her pain, only mine. I knew of the constant comparison - look at her - look how she thrives - do better cause look what she managed. Yes, it was this constant repulsion because that's how we were raised somehow, never with the intention to bond and always having too big of an ego to act any different. We didn't know any better, I was too little, she was too hurt. I never thought that maybe she resented me cause I had more time with our father, I was the favorite one, I was the one which had him until I was 12 and even after he left my mother he was still present almost all the time. So yes in her eyes I was the spoiled, ungrateful one that always got everything she wanted and never appreciated anything that was done for her. Yes, I was rebellious, I didn't have good grades, I couldn't care less, I always got into some kind of trouble and I always disappointed.But I didn't know better, and I didn't have anyone to guide me. Back then I didn't see these things at all, I despised my father for what he had done to my mother and for what he had done to me and yet again I didn't know the whole story, I never considered it. Because it's always easy to speculate but you should never point fingers if you do not know all the facts and if you don't hear all the stories. Truth is relative, there is no universal truth - each and everyone of us has their own truth which doesn't mean they are lies - they are extensions of truths seen in their eyes, their perceived truth influenced by the way they think, the way they were raised the circumstances in which they were placed etc. There is an essence, yes ... but that essence gets mixed with everyone's opinion and point of view so yes, to me truth is always relative. It might be silly to think this way but look - best example I can think of: the ultimate truth? You are born and then you die. Is that it though? Is that an universal truth? What if death isn't really death and the light at the end of the tunnel is birth itself? It's a stupid speculation, I realize this BUT it's a simple opinion and yes, by reading this again I made myself laugh. To continue with the story, because as usual I drifted away to a point of no return, this summer I have learned and I have matured and I am astonished. I found out things that I had never considered, I heard stories that filled the big picture, I started to understand where my father was coming from, I understood what my sister had to go through and I learned a little more about their stories. And yes... my God how easy it is to victimize yourself and blame others. It's retarded.

So basically things are going well, I get to make a difference in the life of a child, I get to work on fixing family issues, I help my mother in a modest way and I've learned what it is to love with all your heart. Sometimes I wonder how I still manage to wake up in the morning and not despise this entire world though. Not because of the good things of course, but because of the other bad things that happen around me and I can't do anything about it. It's the simple feeling of being powerless that brings me down a little but it gets better after a while. It's important to think that if you're being a good person at least you get to influence others maybe ...just maybe. Or at least you have a clean conscience that you did your part.

I think I'm done for the day. I'll leave him for another day or another sleepless night, inspirational night. See what I mean? I keep putting it off and I don't know why I am so scared of writing about it. It might be the result that I fear. I would give it a few more days, inspiration hit me recently and I think it'll stick around for a while.

Plecare

Cu fiecare pas inaintat
vreau sa ma intorc inapoi la tine
Cu fiecare gand uitat
Vreau sa imi amintesc din nou de tine.

Cu fiecare zambet trecator
Vreau sa te uiti din nou la mine
Cu fiecare vis zburator
Vreau sa vii fugind spre mine

Pe iarba umeda de roua
Sa alunecam spre necunoscut
Sa ne sarutam atunci cand ploua
Sa nu ne pese de trecut

Iar cand pasarile diminetii canta
Tu sa razi cand te trezesti
Cu mainile in aer pe o stanca
Tu sa simti ca ma iubesti.

Walk on

Poate suna ciudat, nici nu imi vine sa cred ca scriu despre asta acum...dar a fost atat de frumos si simt un pic de regret ca se termina aici. Ar fi fost bine, frumos, placut daca ar fi continuat. S-ar fi consumat dupa o vreme si ar fi fost dureros. Asa macar ramane acel zambet pe fata mereu cand te gandesti la ce s-a intamplat si ce bine e sa intalnesti un om care te completeaza, care se uita in ochii tai si nu spune vreun cuvant dar stii ce simte, stii ce vrea sa spuna. Vrea sa spuna stai, nu pleca inca. Te mai vreau aici un pic. Doar un pic sa mai visam. Merita sa traiesti asa, chiar merita. Si ador cand cunosc oameni de la care sa pot invata ceva.
Am invatat o multime de lucruri de la tine, si sper ca undeva ai invatat si tu cate ceva de la mine. As fi putut invata chiar mai mult daca ne-ar fi permis timpul. Insa lucrurile nu merg niciodata asa cum vrem, si ceea ce nu credeam ca se va intampla, ajunge sa se intample cand te astepti mai putin. Este adevarat, acel sentiment frumos apare pe neasteptate si te ia pe sus, pe aripi mari, albe, catifelate, si te poarta pe un vant cald de vara, cu miros de mare, de asternut proaspat, de parfum delicat, de frunze in bataia vantului si pe alocuri mai auzi melodia unor pasari de dimineata care alina orice fel de nedumerire sau nesiguranta.
Da, noi cautam siguranta dar nu exista nimic mai interesant decat a depasi acea siguranta si a ajunge undeva mai departe, dupa zona ta de comfort. Sa te lasi purtat de acel vant fara sa te uiti in urma si sa privesti in fata si sa te bucuri de ce vine spre tine. Sa te bucuri de fiecare atingere, fiecare zambet, fiecare sarut firav si frumos, nesigur, curios.
Iubirea are atatea forme, fiecare diferita dar fiecare merita. Cred ca nu mai pot sa gandesc despre iubire ca este mereu acolo, acea iubire ce dureaza o vesnicie si din suflet. Nu.. aceea se consuma..si e un mit sa crezi in acea iubire eterna. E obisnuinta care intervine, e frica de a trece mai departe, de a cauta altceva. Da, e frumos sa lupti pt ceea ce crezi ca merita, dar cand incepi sa renunti la fericirea ta in favoarea fericirii altuia.. atunci e prea mult. Sa ajungi sa faci anumite lucruri doar ca persoana de langa tine sa fie fericita da, este nobil dar sa devina obisnuinta si sa te neglijezi pe tine e deja exagerat.
Am simtit cum valuri se izbesc de stanci, cum suiera vantul si cum canta pescarusii. Am fost ca o pana purtata de acel vant. A fost superb, si nu am sa uit niciodata. Am fost eu, complet, total si pentru prima data in viata nu mi-a fost teama sau rusine.
"Mereu am fost motivul supararii altora, mereu am creat probleme in jurul meu, asa ca nu pot fi eu cel sa aibe pretentii in situatiile acestea"
"Un prezent ce merita sa ti-l amintesti - o poveste de spus nepotilor"
Am invatat sa fiu eu si sa nu ma deranjeze cine sunt. Am invatat sa ma lupt cu frica si sa let go. De asta aveam nevoie, sa let go for once. Am plans, iar tu te-ai uitat la mine si nu ai spus nimic. A fost un moment pt mine ca nici un alt moment din viata mea.
Nu te multumi cu putin e ceea ce pot spune. Incearca sa fii autentic, sincer, si curajos. Daca te reprimi la viata standard de oras,ascultand muzica la casti, munca,o petrecere, o bere.. nu vei gasi fericirea. Fericirea o gasesti citind o carte buna intr-un parc, calatorind undeva spontan, vorbind cu oameni straini, stand in liniste cateva momente, cu tine insuti cu gandurile tale! Si nu numai... sunt doar cateva exemple.
Am invatat despre libertate si chiar mai mult cum sa incep sa fiu cea mai buna versiune a mea posibila. Sa dai tot ce poti, tot ce ai, sa nu iti fie frica sa inveti si sa nu iti fie rusine de cine esti.
Ma repet, stiu...dar am fost atat de placut surprinsa. Ce mult inseamna un prieten, un om care te primeste cu bratele deschise si e dispus sa te accepte asa cum esti...Un prieten mai mult decat prieten.
Vreau sa citim impreuna din nou, sa ma uit la tine, sa te uiti la mine, sa iti zambesc, tu sa faci fata ta simpatica si sa ne vedem in continuare de treaba noastra.
Cred ca undeva stiu ca mereu vei fi parte din viata mea, si gandul acesta ma face sa ma bucur enorm.

E frumoasa viata, stii?

"The world as I see it" by Albert Einstein

"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."

"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.
"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

A dream I once had.

Floating through a canyon of thoughts which is steep

On the left a tree which grows a heart and a lung, 

The branches are veins pumping the blood from the ground

On the right a motherless child crawls to have a sip from a creek

While a hunter sneaks up to it, without even making a sound.

In front is a mouth swallowing each trail of thoughts

It feeds from pain, insecurities and lies

in return it spits out what seem to be burning fireflies.

The eyes drop little humans trapped in each tear

and through this horrid image an army is yet to appear.

Remember the Nutcracker soldiers that you saw in a book?

Their hands were holding small ripped figurines of themselves

Their steps were hard like ritual drums, dum, dum, dum... dum...

Stop.

Silence.

They stood without motion in what looked like a square.

One moved up front and yelled loud " DARE!" dare...dare..

The echo rang through the canyon and way beyond

And all of a sudden I knew of the bond. 

It took my hand and gave me a figure that turned to ashes

and that was when I fell...

a puppet crashes.

dum, dum, dum... dum....

Eventually the sounds of their march faded.

But what they must have not foreseen

is that you can't destroy something that isn't there and never has been.

The winner takes it all.

This letter is for you,

it's for all the pain I have caused you and all the pain you have caused me.
I miss you terribly but I will not call you cause I know how that will go, I know what you will say and it wont be different. It never is. It's always the same.

I am thinking of the day you'll die, how sick it may sound... I am thinking of your funeral..
I am thinking about how I'll sing a song for you, one in which you might actually hear for the first time that I can sing and that I like to sing.. I'll choose one of regret and pain but not a horrible song in which I judge you, one in which I thank you even for the few moments that you offered me. I might sing an ABBA song cause I know you like them.. or even a song by Pink Floyd maybe.. maybe.
That day I will probably have that conversation with you that you had always promised me, but it will be in my mind and I will try to understand you once again and fail. I'll probably learn everything myself with time and I hope I will understand you once you're gone. When it wont hurt me anymore that you are alive and never ask how I am.. never call... never care.
It hurts me father, it hurts me a lot. And it's stupid to blame this on your illness, no illness should keep you away from your child, furthermore it should bring you closer.

Ahhh dad... how I wish I was a child again.
I miss you so much.

Cine?

Cine e dispus sa iti accepte toate defectele, sa traiasca cu imperfectiunea ta, sa ajunga sa te si iubeasca pt tot ceea ce nu ai? Cine iti suporta toate rahaturile, toate nesigurantele, toate problemele, toate gandurile?

Sau - De ce ar fi cineva dispus sa renunte la foarte mult pentru foarte putin?
Carui om ii place sa se damneze asa? Ce om prefera sa se injoseasca la nivelul altuia? Pentru fericire? Ce fericire? Acea fericire relativa, nesigura, dureroasa? Cautam fericirea doar ca sa ne aduca nefericire? Ne dorim sa suferim? Gasim o anumita placere in acea suferinta inimaginabila ce rezulta atunci cand dai tot si primesti nimic? Oare chiar asa cruzi sa fim cu noi insine? Noi .. cand ar trebui sa ne iubim propria persoana mai mult decat iubim pe altii?

Nu inteleg multe lucruri desi mi-as dori sa le pot intelege.. mi-as dori sa am raspunsuri. Mi-as dori sa ma cunosc mai bine, sa ma inteleg mai bine...

Temporary defeat.

Surprised a little, disappointed even more
Striving for perfection, with all my muscles sore
Finding inspiration in nothing
only to face defeat
Will it all count as something?
or am I just another soul ready for retreat?
I break and it aches

because this world is unreal to me, more than my reality allows.

The earth under my feet shakes
But I choose solitude as my guide
Being on my own, it allows me to hide.
Vulnerability is what I fear
Security and power are what I hold dear.
I am too weak to depend on another soul
Yet too alone to ever be hole.
Simplicity I do not seek,
Play with the mind, think when you speak -
discreet defeat, complete defeat.
Temporary.

Fara .... rima.

Vreau sa nu imi pese, vreau sa pot sa fiu rece
dar vreau sa fac parte din viata ta cumva
si nu-mi place ca nu pot, caci esti departe si departe vei ramane
intotdeauna.
As vrea sa pot, macar putin.. sa stiu ca ce spun conteaza
sa stiu ca simti
sa stiu ca vrei
ca te gandesti la mine, la noi, macar cateodata, trecator.
Nu exista "noi" si nici nu vreau sa existe, pentru ca asa este bine.
(mint, normal ca ar fi frumos sa existe un "noi")
Ce-i drept.. vreau ca mereu cand ne vedem sa fie din ce in ce mai frumos
si poate ne vom indragosti candva
sau poate va trece...
dar pana atunci astept sa ne vedem din nou, sa te fac sa zambesti
sa te fac sa uiti ce ai de uitat
sa te fac sa lasi in urma tot ce iti ingreuneaza drumul,
tot ce te tine pe loc...


in toate diminetile in care m-am trezit langa tine niciodata nu am gandit ce gandesc acum,
niciodata nu mi-am mai dorit sa se intample pana acum.
mereu s-a intamplat, era ceva normal, dragut, si-atat.
ce e diferit acum? pentru ca nu a fost nimic diferit ...
sau poate a fost si am simtit?
Sau poate gandesc prea mult in loc sa simt.
Ce sa simt?
Nu vreau sa simt, nu poti fi tu bun pentru mine din simplul motiv ca nu pot sa iti spun ce simt si nu as putea sa iti spun pentru ca imi lipsesc cuvintele, imi lipseste cunostinta .. si nici nu m-ar lasa mandria.  nu stiu ce este, ce va fi daca va fi daca are rost..si ce-i drept nici nu vreau sa iti ofer satisfactia sa stii ca te doresc cateodata mai mult decat ar trebui. Ti-ar umple ego-ul prea mult si sincer nu mai vreau un om egocentric in viata mea, mi-e de-ajuns ca ma am pe mine 24/7.
Ma supara nesiguranta pe care o am cand sunt cu tine,
dar totodata imi place.. si ai ceva ce nimeni nu are.

Si acum ca am scris ce aveam pe suflet mi se pare atat de stupid ca am scris asta pentru tine. Tu ar trebui sa fi cel care simte asta, nu eu. TU ar trebui sa fi in locul meu acum. Tu ar trebui sa faci un pas, oricat de mic.

Da, stiu ce vreau. E simplu. Vreau sa fiu atat de aproape de tine incat sa vreau sa te sarut dar sa nu o fac .. si sa inchid ochii, sa te simt aproape si sa ascultam muzica buna ore intregi daca se poate..si sa adorm asa. Atat.
Asta ar insemna fericire pentru mine.

Doamne... revino-ti. Hai ca maine o sa fie bine, maine o sa treaca.

Simple cuvinte...

Pentru câteva clipe i-am smuls zâmbetul
care trebuia să-l elibereze
de toate crengile în care era încurcat..
tot ce fac acum e să aştept în umbră
şi aştept
aştept
aştept.....
(Iulia N.)

numai că deja aştept de atȃt de mult timp 
chiar aşa, măsurȃnd timpul grosolan – cu găleata –
că umbra se mută încet încet pe partea cealaltă,
deodată cu soarele, şi crengile se mai încurcă
o dată
apoi
înmuguresc
(Radu N.) 

si asteptarea doare,
te macina, te consuma, nu are mila.
e ca o soapta purtata de vant,
pe care tu nu o auzi
caci e prea slaba, prea neajutorata, prea trecatoare.
dar inmuguresc, incet incet
s-aduc culoare unui suflet defect...
si raman cu acel zambet sa coloreze petalele
care vor cadea si ele odata cu timpul, odata cu vantul
si atunci zambetul tau va fi dat uitarii,
si tu vei ramane incatusat
acolo unde eu nu pot ajunge,
acolo unde eu nu am fost de ajuns...
(Alexandra N.)

I want you to know...

Cata drama, nesimtire, limitare.. prostie.

Da stiu, cand iubesti faci lucruri pe care nu le-ai face niciodata... inteleg, stiu cum e.. dar uite ca bunatatea nu m-a dus nicaieri, ba mai mult m-a consumat, mult prea mult. Azi am renuntat sa mai fiu buna, pentru 15 minute nu am fost eu si nu mi-a placut.. mi-am promis candva sa fiu om bun, sa respect oamenii si sa incerc sa fac ce pot mai bine cum pot dar nu a mers azi, nici ieri. Nu am putut, pentru ca exista o limita cand esti calcat in picioare.

Tot azi m-am vazut cu tata, 5 minute pe ceas. A fost ok, ca de obicei, un repros scurt, un zambet, o gluma si un pa, pe curand, ne vedem mai des, da? Nu. Nu ne vedem mai des, nu, nu se schimba nimic... it never does.

Pain is there to makes you stronger.

Mi-e teama ca incep sa seman din ce in ce mai mult cu el. E o perioada mai grea, perioada dintre lupta pentru ceva si alegerea de detasare si nu e tocmai usor dar asta este, zambim frumos si oferim o vorba buna cand si unde putem cu speranta ca facem cuiva ziua mai buna daca a noastra nu a fost tocmai cum ne-am dorit. E bine si va fi bine in continuare, ce naiba.

Aici o piesa superba -

Sunshine and rain

No love, no glory.

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter - Official Video from StupidDoodler on Vimeo.

Azi am ascultat piesa asta de prea multe ori. Asa este... I can't take my eyes off of you... si e atat de complicat. Mai complicat decat mi-as fi dorit sa fie. Sunt in starea aceea in care inca nu realizez ce se intampla sau ce a spus sau ce a insemnat tot. Cuget, am cate un moment de liniste, ma uit in gol, respir adanc, parca astept sa scot macar o lacrima, ceva. Nimic. Nu merge.. e acea durere combinata cu fericire sau o fericire dureroasa mai bine spus. Mereu asa a fost si mereu asa va fi.
As vrea sa pot suna o prietena sa ii povestesc.. dar prea multi oameni nu stiu decat sa se planga si chiar nu vreau sa irosesc timpul cuiva pe un subiect atat de pueril. Pueril, evident, pentru cei din afara, pentru cei ce nu inteleg si nu stiu si nici nu vor sa stie.
Cumva.. am stiut si am simtit ca asa va fi pentru ca asa s-a mai intamplat pana acum. E ca si cum tot ce poate sa mearga gresit merge gresit.  As compara situatia aceasta cu o recolta nereusita a unui taran sarman. Nu ii place situatia, stie ca se poate mai bine dar totusi nu poate renunta la recolta pentru ca trebuie sa se hraneasca cumva, nu poate fara ea. Cam tampita comparatia acum ca recitesc, in mintea mea suna mai bine, asa parca suna a insulta.
Nu e asa, nu e o recolta proasta. Mai degraba recolta prospera a vecinului pe care stii ca ai putea sa o ai si tu dar nu te poti atinge de ea. That doesn't make any sense either... la naiba.
Este bine si o sa fie bine pentru ca eu am ales sa fiu aici acum, nimeni altcineva si sper sa invat ceva din situatia asta, sa raman cu ceva macar .. daca nu raman cu tine. Desi vreau! Ma gandesc la ziua aceea si zambesc cu mare drag, si mi se umple inima de o fericire inimaginabila.

Poate e doar o poveste draguta si atat. Care face oamenii sa ofteze, sa suspine, sa viseze. Si atat.

Sau poate nu. Ramane de vazut. Sunt curioasa ce se va intampla in continuare... dar am o idee. And by God I hope that's not going to happen.

We believe

It hit me today... and it hit me hard. I shouldn't have listened to all those old songs and dig up the past. I know how it can hit me... ugh. I need a little escape right now, I'll run tomorrow morning as soon as I drive the little one to school.
It's been a long run and maybe it is good that someone reminded me of back then, of something I don't really talk about and if I do it is with the close ones and as little as humanly possible.
In moments like these I get a few answers, I realize why I do what I do, why I did what I did, why I acted how I did when I did. Excuses and excuses. Weakness. It's all gone now and it is a lot better.
I'll break through it one day though, I left it behind a while ago but I guess some things need to be cleared before you can truly let go. Ambiguous? Yes, I deal with that on a daily basis.

No one ever knows what we are searching for.

Will you be my Valentine?

Today was one of those beautiful days for which I am very grateful.Yes it is true that on this day you can feel obliged to do something for your loved one but when you don't have to make a gesture and you do it anyway, it's a million times better. 

I received a beautiful bouquet by the one man that fills my heart with joy and my life with colors! That polite and caring gentleman that I have always looked for, the handsome nerd which understands my gaming and I know we can always lock ourselves in the house, eat only junk and game 24/7 and that kind, loving intelligent friend that everyone needs in their life. He gets me in a lovely way and he has made me happier than anyone I've ever actually dated. Therefor I say - cheers to dreamers! Cheers to being idealistic. Two of the best things I've always been and look where they have brought me.

He's a keeper and I sure as hell want to grow old with him someday, if time and circumstances allow it. If not, at least I know that the man of my dreams was true, even if only for a little while. :)

This said I feel like saying that I won't let us go without at least a decent fight for this. Because when you find something that is worth fighting for you never give up.

Thoughts 3

I look around sometimes and I see happiness, a lot of it and it makes me happy as well.. I see young families, friends of mine, accomplished people, lonely people, people that can be described as losers, people that are lost, and people that in the face of difficulty thrive, manage, succeed. It is quite amazing what a human can do with a little bit of courage, luck and confidence.

Today I was thinking about having a family of my own. It is true, I am young but one does get a soft moment once in a while and thinks - would I like that? Who wouldn't want a family someday but mine would have to be awesome, epic, absolutely amazing... and in my head I could have that but what if it's not what I am supposed to do? I am no housewife and I could probably never live on a man's back - I'd have to do it on my own.. I'm not a team player like a friend of mine said and I fear that wont do so well. I'll always want to be in control, always want to do everything and that would be bad. Also whoever said that you can have a happy family and a career lied. He lied like a m** f*** liar that he is, cause you can't. One of them will eventually be neglected, which is really our choice.

There are so many things we can do that can go so horribly wrong and quite frankly I am scared. I am scared of not finding the right person to start a family with, scared I'd neglect them, scared that I might not even see the right person for me even if they would be staring right at me. Scared of not having children, scared of having them, scared of having to divorce, scared to scar my kids with a divorce, scared of not being able to do something other than having a family, not having a career, making a difference or at least trying! This is one of those moments in which I doubt it all, one of those small dark moments that pass after a little bit. Cause in the end I shouldn't be this scared because I have such wonderful people in my life - family, friends - and him. I'm curious about this summer when we finally meet - for me it is one of those crucial points in life..scared of that too, go figure, hah.

There -  talking about things makes it all better, I already feel as if someone lifted an elephant of my back.

Stuck

I want,  I achieve.
I desire, I receive.
It's that simple, yet it never has been with you.
I love myself, more than you'd think
But when it's bad, the worse I sink..

When I love, I love with all I have
If I hand over my heart it's yours to grab.
But I have my wishes, my desires,
If those I do not get, you only put out the fire.

You had a choice, you had my time,
But yet again you made a crime...
It's not so bad but quite a shame
but in the end, I am to blame.

So tell me now, 'cause this is dire...
What is obsession and what is desire?
For a simple answer is what I require.

I'm done - right now - it's been enough
you had no ace, you chose to bluff.

Awkward.

So.. remember that song by Kaiser Chiefs? "Oh my God I can't believe it, I've never been this far away from home"? Good song.. but allow me to change it slightly to fit even more - " I've never felt this close to anyone before." Yeaaaaah...... this is happening.. and I suck at changing lyrics. Something tells me I might need a little finger snap and maybe a face palm or maybe nothing. Maybe I'm simply supposed to enjoy this, relax and smile... yes, SMILE.

I'm back in Berlin with the energy of a thousand tigers, ready to do some awesomeness. I am not quite sure what to do regarding my masters - but I thought of this:
1. I sign up for that politics masters, see if I get accepted or not.
2. Send my CV to a friend that can help me get a good job somewhere.
3. Do a little research and sign up for a political party.
4. If nothing of the above works out I'm going to sign up for Art School and do what I always wanted - draw and paint like there is no tomorrow.
Because look... I thought about this quite some time and for as long as I remember I almost never paid attention in college cause I was too busy drawing something in the corner of a page.. It's all I've ever done in this life.. so what will I do? Join the freaking Bundestag and draw "The Starry Night" while they talk about Resource Management and Diplomatic Strategies? Yes, definitely... I'll be the new van Gogh without a beard. Yes.. I think that highly of me. Who am I kidding? Vincent van Gogh's artwork wasn't even really appreciated while he was alive and I'm not sure I want to die at 37 - in that case I might want to stop drinking and smoking.
I'm talking rubbish - I love Vincent's work..  and I am also very happy today. Had my coffee, something to eat and soon I have to head to Kaiser's to shop. Today is oddly good and it makes me think something might go wrong at some point,  I always get that feeling when my day turns out to be too good.

Anywho, I shall leave you now, dear reader, (inserting fancy accent here) for I have highly important errands to attend to.

Au revoir.