it's for all the pain I have caused you and all the pain you have caused me.
I miss you terribly but I will not call you cause I know how that will go, I know what you will say and it wont be different. It never is. It's always the same.
I am thinking of the day you'll die, how sick it may sound... I am thinking of your funeral..
I am thinking about how I'll sing a song for you, one in which you might actually hear for the first time that I can sing and that I like to sing.. I'll choose one of regret and pain but not a horrible song in which I judge you, one in which I thank you even for the few moments that you offered me. I might sing an ABBA song cause I know you like them.. or even a song by Pink Floyd maybe.. maybe.
That day I will probably have that conversation with you that you had always promised me, but it will be in my mind and I will try to understand you once again and fail. I'll probably learn everything myself with time and I hope I will understand you once you're gone. When it wont hurt me anymore that you are alive and never ask how I am.. never call... never care.
It hurts me father, it hurts me a lot. And it's stupid to blame this on your illness, no illness should keep you away from your child, furthermore it should bring you closer.
Ahhh dad... how I wish I was a child again.
I miss you so much.
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