Thoughts 3

I look around sometimes and I see happiness, a lot of it and it makes me happy as well.. I see young families, friends of mine, accomplished people, lonely people, people that can be described as losers, people that are lost, and people that in the face of difficulty thrive, manage, succeed. It is quite amazing what a human can do with a little bit of courage, luck and confidence.

Today I was thinking about having a family of my own. It is true, I am young but one does get a soft moment once in a while and thinks - would I like that? Who wouldn't want a family someday but mine would have to be awesome, epic, absolutely amazing... and in my head I could have that but what if it's not what I am supposed to do? I am no housewife and I could probably never live on a man's back - I'd have to do it on my own.. I'm not a team player like a friend of mine said and I fear that wont do so well. I'll always want to be in control, always want to do everything and that would be bad. Also whoever said that you can have a happy family and a career lied. He lied like a m** f*** liar that he is, cause you can't. One of them will eventually be neglected, which is really our choice.

There are so many things we can do that can go so horribly wrong and quite frankly I am scared. I am scared of not finding the right person to start a family with, scared I'd neglect them, scared that I might not even see the right person for me even if they would be staring right at me. Scared of not having children, scared of having them, scared of having to divorce, scared to scar my kids with a divorce, scared of not being able to do something other than having a family, not having a career, making a difference or at least trying! This is one of those moments in which I doubt it all, one of those small dark moments that pass after a little bit. Cause in the end I shouldn't be this scared because I have such wonderful people in my life - family, friends - and him. I'm curious about this summer when we finally meet - for me it is one of those crucial points in life..scared of that too, go figure, hah.

There -  talking about things makes it all better, I already feel as if someone lifted an elephant of my back.