Let us fight for a better world.

A speech filled with empty dreams and hopes, cause let's face it, despite all the good in men there is also the same amount of bad.

Red wine.

It's always a beautiful day when I get to see you,
even if only for a short while.
There's something in the way you act, something about what you do
That always makes me smile.

Good night.

The Letter

You have moved me, you have moved me in a moment I never thought someone would. You've changed my world, you turned it upside down. There isn't one hour that passes without me thinking of you. How pathetic that is.

While I'm sitting here on this chair, all that fills my head is the fact that we didn't talk as much as I wanted. But we did talk a bit, pointless, I was nervous.. it's hopeless. Chances are this will never ever happen. Maybe I was a burden, I pissed him off ... I certainly was too honest and blunt talking to him.. so typical, as if I consider every man in my life a best friend with whom I can share anything.

Could it have all been nothing? Maybe it's simply normal to him. Maybe I should not question it so much, take it as it is. Friendship. Painful friendship.

I'm in love.. And I admit it with a smile. I will tell him someday, maybe.





The letter was torn,

it had been blown by wind

into the darkest wilderness.

Time made her worn...

Show her life,

as it should have been.

Why let the wind take it all,

why let it be forgotten,

like a rainy fall.

It could have all been foreseen,

It could have been them,

Guided by the light of the stars,

In a moment of loss, a moment of pain.

Grief those that need be,

Happiness is only for the few.

Let go of what held you behind, let go of us.

Pour the last drop

and drink from the last cup

Like the flickering lights of candles,

in hope of a better day

I pray.

Shine, you sun, shine over souls

and give them what they need.

Don't let the darkness surround us with ghouls,

Give a lot more and forget greed.

My soul it lingers for what it cannot have,

it turns and twists and aches.

While the world shakes,

in splinters it falls, it pains.

Rains of fire,

poor lava on them, those horrid thoughts, burn them.

I had sworn you true love,

I had sworn it forever,

Now it begins.

Focus

For some things in life never turn out the way you want them to, there are certain things you can not change. That's when we write, when we find a moment of peace, a moment of emptiness, emptiness of thought preferably. When there is nothing on your mind but the words simply flow... flow with no certain meaning but they do flow and after you read them you realize they actually did make sense, quite interesting, sometimes it seems as if someone else has written everything for you. I love it when that happens. It's exactly like when you wake up at night during dreams and you write down what you've dreamed quickly before you fall back asleep. Then the next morning you read your dream and you don't remember anything in there.
- Do you have any idea what happens after we die? said Isabel.
- No, why do you ask? said Sally rather confused.
- Well I was heading towards this shop today to buy some flour and this woman came up to me and asked me to cross the street with her cause her leg was hurting terribly.
- Ah, and did you help her?
- Well, at first it seemed rather strange cause she had this weird beige dress and she talked funny. But we did cross the street in approximately 30 minutes.
- Wow, why?
- She started talking to me a lot! About her life, her daughter, that apparently studies in the same city as I do! And then she asked me what my star sign was. She told me I am quite the person but that my life would be really good eventually. She did mention I had to make sure to be nice to people around me.
- I think i would have freaked out if I was you, what happened next?
- Well... we stopped in the middle of the road so she could continue telling me about my birthday and how that influences ones life.
- Ah, and? What else did she mention?
- I remember her telling me I was a stubborn person and that it would help me in life. Then she gave me a blessing, which I found quite weird, and she told me where her address was. She asked me to visit her when I had the time.
- How nice of her, I bet she was alone.
- Yeah, it could be, but Sally... it felt so strange to have met her. It's been 2 years since then and I've never gotten to visit her.

Today

We arrived in Bad Kissingen a few hours ago. It's pretty cool as usual. Thing is.. as life tends to be like a circle, some things tend to never change. For instance today I was literally being all alone in my room reminiscing and thinking about all the things that I could have done and things I haven't. My idea is that I probably feel somewhat overwhelmed by the situation with my parents, no..seriously, it was too much. I tried as much as I could to help, to talk with mom and dad, to try and fix anything that was fixable but sadly nothing worked. After many years of lies, of hiding things, of pain .. there isn't much that can be fixed or wants to be fixed.

For now I shall enjoy a lovely movie with my fellow classmates here in Bad Kissingen and try to find the slightest thing that can make me smile.

Have a nice evening, dear reader.

Gibbering

Simplicity you complicate
Questions you elaborate
Hope that you inflict
And feelings you neglect.

You burn like fire, you burn them all
and you're reborn with every ignite
You feel not less not more for none
you're on your own, you know but one.
You play, you love, your passion fades, you run

or you simply walk away.
find some place else to play.

Fun is all you feel and know
Foolish be the one to believe in you
Foolish be the one to trust you
Foolish be the one to hope, to fight,
Naive be the one to dream.

Because you are not what you seem.

Reject, refuse, deny, repel, decline, repulse, disprove, discard, negate, relinquish me.

- Random thoughts, put in words.

Roadtrip

I studied in Freiburg, Germany for one year and once I had finished my studies there, mom picked me up with her car and we drove a bit around so I thought I'd share a few pictures:









I might post some more pictures later. These pics include Bodensee (Germany), Munich (Germany) and Vienna(Austria).

Today

Today is one of those days in which I feel I need to do more in my life but there's no motivation whatsoever. Maybe something needs to hit me bad so I learn how to live again. It's this feeling of just wandering around with no certain purpose. Same thing over and over again. You wake up, eat breakfast, turn on the PC, put some music, wash the dishes and then back to the PC. I have stuff to finish for University (in two days!) and I haven't really started yet, fuck if I know what's happening with me.

You/ a post from October. 2011

You disgust me with your ways. Maybe it's too much to say but I feel so empty today, how can I put this.. I wasn't ready for a rejection, it was the last thing I wanted...But so it happens that I always have high hopes.

I calmed down finally after a few hours of talking to my parents, having breakfast and taking a bath. It's all good I guess. I think you can call it pain but it's rather a feeling of repulsion? maybe a bit of regret regarding the way I said what I did. Maybe I shouldn't have a had those 3 beers.

Quotes

Here's a collection of quotes that I don't want to lose so I made a post.

"Now every last effort tried
So far has been denied
It's easy to cry for love
Far harder to try" - Guiding Light by The Veils

"Destiny, chance, fate and fortune, they're all just ways of claiming our successes without claiming our failures."

"So then learn to conquer your fear. This is the only art we have to master nowadays: to look at things without fear, and to fearlessly do right." - Friedrich Durrenmatt

"Ein guter Mensch, in seinem dunklen Drange ist sich des rechten Weges wohl bewußt." - Faust I.

" Lying is a choice, not a way of living. Tell that to nowadays society."

"People say words have no meaning.I say we put too much meaning into words."

" I smoke cause I'm hoping for an early death and I need something to cling to. " - "What She Said" by The Smiths

"What I love most about my home is who I share it with." - Tad Carpenter

" Ars longa,
vita brevis,
occasio praeceps,
experimentum periculosum,
iudicium difficile. " - Hippocrates

"I love not Man the less, but Nature more" - There is a pleasure in the pathless woods by George Gordon (Lord Byron)

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul. " Invictus - William Ernest Henley

"When I try to imagine being old I can’t really imagine it. I don’t want to be morbid, as death is death, but I worry that maybe I won’t get there?"- Marina Diamandis

"Real life feels not that good or real anyway. Do you ever feel like you’re not really living life and you cannot really ‘connect’ with it or live in the moment?"- Marina Diamandis

"You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you."- One Tree Hill

"Being alone, even lonely, is better than being together with the wrong people."- Wilson Kanadi

"People sometimes say that the way things happen in the movies is unreal, but actually its the way things happen to you in life that’s unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it’s like watching television- you don’t feel anything." - Andy Warhol

"I never wanted you to go but I’d be the last to let you know."
- Walking It Off

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?"- Ernest Hemingway

"Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life."
- The Beautiful and Damned, F. Scott Fitzgerald

"When you’re little, night time is scary because there are monsters under the bed. When you get older the monsters are different. Self doubt, loneliness, regret. And though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark."
- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anataomy

"It's not who you are that's holding you back, it's who you think you are not."

"Isn’t it sad that we’re all so young, yet we’re so depressed, alone, forgotten, paranoid, judgmental and afraid of the future? What happened to being young, living life, having fun and not giving a fuck?"

"Now every last effort tried
So far has been denied
It's easy to cry for love
Far harder to try" - Guiding Light by The Veils

Dreams be dreams 16.08.2011

It was a lovely afternoon, the sun was shining brightly and two children were playing with a red ball. Suddenly one of them threw the ball into the river close by and the other one decided to jump into the water to save it. But the water was deeper than imagined and the river grew bigger and the stream was faster than ever before. Somehow the ball was unreachable so the child was trying to float on his back to be guided by the water to be able to catch it. The stream started to hurt his body at some point, as if the water had some kind of needless in it. Eventually he caught the ball and as he wanted to reach the shore the image faded and the child turned into a grown up. As the grown up was walking on that shore he winded up at this somewhat similar to a bridge thing, or rather a big metal bar that had on its' top some weird platform. On that platform two people were talking. They were mentioning something about a dark being living in the depths of that river, which eventually turned into a sea, that would suck the life out of everything. That's when the image changed and was going deep into the sea. "Every life form dies from the inside, everything has an ending, everything dies." said a slow whisper as the image went deeper and deeper into the sea.

111 lessons life taught us

Cute stuff I found on a site called

marcandangel.com

Enjoy.

111 lessons life taught us:

- Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress.
- Never tell someone their dreams are impossible. You’ll feel like a fool when they prove you wrong.
- No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
- Pursuing happiness by acquiring material things (fancy cars, expensive jewelry, designer clothing) is like jogging to the grocery store on your treadmill: it won’t get you anywhere.
- Laugh at stupid jokes. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. It’s the small moments that make life grand.
- At 79, I regret the things I didn’t do far more than the things I did.
- Life is way more enjoyable when you stop trying to be cool and simply focus on being yourself.
- Start by asking yourself whether each of your relationships drags you down or lifts you up. Surrounding yourself with positive, loving people is half the battle of living a happy, successful life.
- When the ‘want’ gets stronger, the ‘how’ gets easier.
- Too often we judge people on too little information. Instead of judging someone for what they do or where they are in their life, figure out why they do what they do and how they got to where they are.
- If you want to feel rich, just count all the great things you have that money can’t buy.
- I have taken noticed that the deeper I know about myself, the clearer I understand others.
- You can’t change who you are. You can only change what you know and how you apply this knowledge.
- I don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
- People who are meant to be together will find their way back to each other. They may take detours, but they’re never lost.
- The older I get, and the more I learn, the more I realize I know so little. At 72, life still teaches me new lessons every day.
- You can press forward long after you can’t. It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough.
- Complaining is like slapping yourself for slapping yourself. It doesn’t solve the problem, it just hurts you more.
- Embrace change. As uncomfortable as it is sometimes, change allows us to stretch and grow. New things feel awkward and scary at first, but those feelings go away, and you are left with something bigger and bolder in your life.
- Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow emotionally and intellectually. They force us to stretch ourselves and our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. And when we don’t feel comfortable, we don’t feel ready. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
- No matter how bad your heart has been broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief. The sun comes right back up the next day.
- Supporting, guiding, and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. In order to get, you have to give.
- Learn to adjust the sails of your life to unpredictable winds, while keeping your focus clear on your destination. And keep sailing until you get there.
- As you strive to achieve your goals and dreams you can count on there being some fairly substantial disappointments along the way. Don’t get discouraged, the road to your dreams may not be an easy one. Think of these disappointments as challenges - tests of persistence and courage - that life throws at you during your journey. They are necessary and are meant to help you grow as a person.
- Spend less than you earn, go without until you have the money in hand.
- Freedom is the greatest gift. Self-sufficiency is the greatest freedom.
- Even when you feel like you have nothing, someone else likely has far less. Find them and help them. You’ll see why.
- Marriages evolve and change. The feelings you had for the man or woman you married will mutate and evolve several times over the life of a marriage. Hopefully you will evolve in the same direction or at least embrace and accept the changes in the other person. It takes work, and sometimes it takes counseling. Don’t gloss over those changes or you may wake up next to a stranger one day.
- Negativity breeds more negativity. When you focus only on the negative, obviously that’s all you will see. You will not seek out positivity, and even when positivity comes into your life, you’ll look for the negative side of things.
- If you want something in your life you’ve never had, you’ll have to do something you’ve never done.
- As a child, I always thought the expression “it’s better to give than to receive” was trite and silly. As an adult, I recognize the expression’s value. Having the capacity to give means you possess a mindset of abundance. Having the will to give means you want to make a difference in the world. Having the desire to give means you care.
- It’s not so much what you say that counts, it’ how you make people feel.
- Figure out what you want. Set real goals and make a logical plan to achieve them. It’s like the old saying, “A goal that is never written down is nothing more than a New Year’s resolution.” And we all know what happens to New Year’s resolutions.
- Being open-minded is the key to more knowledge. If you want to know more about the world you have to keep an open mind. You have to give people and things a chance.
- If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple.
- If something won’t be significant to you 3 days/3 months/3 years from now, don’t waste all your time worrying about it now.
- Manage aging, but why fight it? You can spend a fortune on face creams, plastic surgery, hair growth formulas, and Botox, but eventually you realize you are fighting an uphill battle. Groom yourself nicely. Stay fit. Have unsightly things removed. But accept the beauty of aging. A striking mature man or woman is much more attractive than someone who looks overly taunt, tanned or top-heavy.
- Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.
- Being busy and being productive are two different things.
- Life is unbelievably brief. When you’re young, you might feel like there’s a huge mass of time ahead of you. But trust me, it passes much faster than you think. You get gray hairs before you feel like a real adult. And then you have kids, and suddenly they’re leaving for college. Stop long enough to appreciate it all.
- Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
- Your health is your life, keep up with it. Get an annual physical check-up.
- Change is the only permanent thing in life.
- Having a thousand credentials on the wall will not make you a decent human being. But genuinely helping one person everyday will.
- You must create and look for opportunities. Opportunities rarely ever come knocking on the door of someone who’s not seeking them. You have to create and seek opportunities for yourself. You have to take the initiative to get the ball rolling and the doors opening.
- Keep your brain active. Don’t get into a mental rut. Do new things, learn new things, explore new ideas in all areas of your life. Keep challenging yourself and your mind. Be curious and interested in the world around you.
- Someone always has it worse. At times you may be having a bad day, but stop yourself and think about it; there are plenty of other people who have it worse off than you do.
- In work and business, when they need you more than you need them, you have succeeded.
- Trying to be somebody you’re not is not sexy. Be you. That’s when you’re beautiful.
- Truly ‘rich’ people need ‘less’ to be happy.
- Your ability to select a suitable spouse will greatly influence your financial and emotional well-being. Three common sense guidelines: 1. Pick someone who’s a joy to be around and who makes you happy. 2. Know the person well. 3. Ensure compatibility beyond physical attraction because beauty and youth are fleeting, while the mind and heart endure.
- No matter how much progress you make there will always be the people who insist that whatever you’re trying to do is impossible. Or they may incessantly suggest that the idea or dream as a whole is utterly ridiculous because nobody really cares. When you come across these people, don’t try to reason with them. Instead, forget that they exist. They will only waste your time and energy.
- We are all weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we call it love.
- Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities.
- Living a life of honesty creates peace of mind, and peace of mind is priceless. Period. Don’t be dishonest and don’t put up with people who are.
- If you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop. You’re on to something big. Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
- Bulls**t might help you get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there. The truth always rises to the top and buries the bulls**t eventually.
After 40 years of teaching at a local college I’ve come to realize that a teacher is nothing but a clever student.
- Sooner or later, you just want to be around the people who make you smile.
- Forgiving yourself is far more important (and difficult) than getting others to forgive you.
- Simplicity is often a major factor of success. But the process of simplifying things is rarely easy.
- There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a good read, a good walk, a good hug, a good smile, or a good friend.
- Laughter is the best medicine for stress. Laugh at yourself often. Find the humor in whatever situation you’re in.
- Everything that happens in life is neither good nor bad. It just depends on your perspective.
- When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
- Maturity is more about education and life experience than it is about age. I know plenty of mature 30-somethings and immature 50-somethings.
- When passion and skill work together, we’re often left with a masterpiece.
- You’re not alone. Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others.
- True friendship and true love do sustain the tests of distance and time.
- It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary. I believe this to be true and have experienced this with my own family. When I think of the times where we laughed the most or had the most fun – it was when we were doing simple, everyday things like swimming in a pool, combing a beach for shells, playing a board game or sharing a delicious meal.
- Get up 30 minutes earlier so you don’t have to rush around like a mad man. That 30 minutes will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness, and other unnecessary headaches. (Read Getting Things Done.)
- It is okay to be angry. It is never okay to be cruel.
- Arguments are natural. An argument between two close friends doesn’t show a lack of love or respect, it’s simply a disagreement. In fact, quite often, the only reason we get frustrated with people and argue with them is because we care about them. Which is why we need to remember not to get too carried away.
- Money and stuff are not all that important. Yes, you want enough to be comfortable and do the things you want to do. But accumulating for the sake of accumulating is boring and empty. Trust me, it gets old fast. So feed your soul, not your ego.
- Hang out with younger people. Stay connected with what the generation behind you is doing and thinking. Establish friendships with them. You will benefit and learn from each other. Don’t act superior, because younger people may know a whole lot more than you do.
- There is nothing to hold you back except yourself. There is only one question to ask yourself here: “What would you do if you were not afraid?” Think about it.
- No matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.
- Either you’re going to take action and seize new opportunities or someone else will. You can’t change anything or make any sort of progress by sitting back and thinking about it.
- Your years spent at school, reading and learning will seem short compared to a lifetime of minimum wage jobs. Get a good education, concentrate on areas that interest you and pursue your dreams.
- Keep six months of your salary in an emergency savings account just in case you lose your job or have an emergency that prevents you from working for a prolonged period of time. And keep a few extra hundred dollars on hand for unexpected expenses, such as car and home repair.
- A hero is someone who makes a positive difference in someone else’s life – even if it’s only one other person’s life.
- You’re never too old to follow your dreams, whatever they may be. I didn’t start my first business until I was 46 (something I always wanted to do). Now at 53, my business is more successful than I ever could have dreamed.
- Let your kids fail. Your kids will be okay, even if you think they are headed for the juvenile hall right now. Don’t come to their rescue all the time. Don’t manage every detail of their lives or over-schedule them with karate or viola lessons. Give them some boundaries, and then relax.
- Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel, to be open and authentic. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome new opportunities.
- There’s no such thing as ‘risk free.’ Everything you do or don’t do in life has an inherent risk.
- Take a step back to gain some perspective. Usually when we’re worried or upset, it’s because we’ve lost perspective. In the grand scheme of things, this one problem means almost nothing.
- Every mistake you make is progress. Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
- The greatest “adventure” is the ability to INQUIRE, TO ASK QUESTIONS. Sometimes in the process of inquiry, the search is more significant than the answers. Answers come from other people, from the universe of knowledge and history, and from the intuition and deep wisdom inside yourself.
- If it were easy everyone would do it. This is why get rich quick schemes will never be true. If it was so quick and easy then everyone would be millionaires. Making money and accomplishing tasks is hard work, but well worth it.
- If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
- If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
- Count your blessings every day. I know, this is a refrigerator magnet line, but practice it daily anyway. There is so much good, so much beauty, so much love in your life. What more do you really need? You have so much right now, you just need to pause long enough to appreciate it.
- It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work. But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Sometimes you just have to go for it!
- The one with nothing to hide is always the one left standing tall.
- There is only one way to learn, and that is through action. Trying to learn without doing is like trying to lose weight by watching someone else exercise. It’s just not going to work.
- Change happens for a reason. Roll with it. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
- Experience life before you settle down. Whatever it is you want to do or experience, do as much of it as you can before you have children. Especially travel. Live in a hostel in Costa Rica for a month or drive across the country from coast to coast if you have to. But go have some really great, amazing, mind-blowing experiences.
- Life gives and takes away. During difficult times, be committed to resolving problems, but also lighten up and ride the waves of impermanence. What is a monster problem today will be a forgotten thought in the future.
- When two people cooperate instead of competing against each other their teamwork accomplishes far more than either of them could have achieved on their own.
- Between what happened and what will happen is your choice. So choose to be positive in everyday tasks.
- The best feeling in the world is getting paid to do what you love to do.
- Good looks attracts the eyes. Personality attracts the heart.
- If you’re smiling right now, you’re doing something right.
- If you live your life consumed by the past, you waste the great moments you still have left to live.
- Treat every small interaction with another person as an opportunity to make a positive impact in both your lives.
- There’s a big difference between knowing and doing. Knowledge is useless without action.
- Time is of the essence. You are born and you will die. Don’t waste the time in between. Use a time management system to control events, rather than have events controlling you.
- The French have an aphorism that you don’t appreciate something until you don’t have it anymore. In 40 years from now what is it that you will regret not having accomplished, appreciated or attempted? Do it, appreciate it, attempt it NOW!
- If it’s out of your control, why fret about it? Concentrating on things you can control is how you make good things happen.
- Never send a text message, email or photo to someone that’s unfit for the eyes of the entire world. In this digital age you never know what might slip into the public eye.
- The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing. Growing happens when what you know changes how you live.

Premiere!

Today I deactivated my Facebook account. And you know what's sad? That I'm writing about it. The reasons were mainly 2. It's extremely distracting and since I have an exam soon I can't risk anything. And second reason: some people wouldn't even care about you if it wasn't for facebook and that thing annoys me like crazy. If you wish to talk to me you have my number, you have my email. If you want music, you have my music blog or grooveshark or last.fm or any other kind of music site.

Since that topic is closed now, I'll mention the fact that I MISS MY FAMILY. A lot apparently. Can't wait to be done with all exams and head home. At some point yes.. I like it here, it's beautiful but there's no place like home.. I got this thing from Real the other day, a wooden plank with the inscription " Ob Osten oder Westen, Zuhaus da ist's am Besten." When I saw it I liked it so much that I bought it :D

Now I'll let all the philosophers amaze me with their beautiful political theories, so that I can widen my knowledge about politics and aspire towards becoming "Leader of the Free World" and hopefully someday manage to fight evil and implement certain norms that will for sure make this planet a better place. WOW I'm full of crap.

Confidential

I sometimes dream of your face and sometimes open my eyes with the thought that you might be there next to me, snoring like a pig.
Sometimes I walk on the street and I think I see you, but I'd rather not turn around because I know it's not you, it's just that I'd want that cheerful feeling to stay for a while longer.

Sometimes when you write things randomly I want to believe that some things are referred to me. Even though they're not and I know that.. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I might not be what you'd want. You might not be what I want either. But it's that dream thing in my head, it's that damn feeling I had when I was with you that I remember sometimes.......... and that feeling pisses me off.

I'm ANGRY at myself for feeling this. This intensity for nothing. Even though it may have been nothing to you, to me it was.. it was intense, powerful. As if two souls met, somehow to a certain level, difficult to comprehend, like... an addiction.

It feels so unfinished. It feels as if so much more could be discovered. And I wish to discover it, I wish to know things about you and do things with you and to you and just have you HERE, with me. I want you to be there when I need you. I want you to see who I am, know who I am, see what I can truly be. And most of all I want you to keep on liking me even after you get to see who I am. I hope you fall crazy in love with me so that I wouldn't feel the pain of rejection. Yes, I'm selfish, you bring that out. You make me want to want more.

You make me want to want you more.

Untitled

Azi am ascultat și eu Frank Zappa. Că doar auzisem de o vreme de el și niciodată nu am avut curiozitatea să îl ascult cum trebuie. Și nici n-am făcut-o.. am dat skip la câteva piese și n-am simtit nimic. Oare nu oi intelege eu muzica? Oare nu oi avea gusturi muzicale bune? Nu sunt destul de .. „reif” muzical vorbind să îl înteleg? Maybe it's a guy thing. Ce-i drept mi-a plăcut ”Muffin Man” cu Beefheart, dar de ce am dat în discografia aia.. nu stiu. O fi probabil și starea mea de doi bani.

Imi scrisese Tyler mai înainte să-mi spună (din nou) despre marea lui iubire și evident căuta sfaturi. Recunosc, omul chiar este într-o situație de toată jena, n-am ce zice, dar azi chiar nu aveam chef sa dau sfaturi. Nu aveam chef să aud cum suferă unii si alții. Te-a înșelat, bine frate asta e ..ai doua variante, te umilești ca bou si o ierți și te împaci cu ea pentru că o iubești enorm sau incerci cât poți de mult să treci peste și aia e. Găsesti pe altcineva, care să te aprecieze așa cum îti dorești. (Gata, am dat-o iar pe Wilco că deja mă enerva ăsta. Mai incerc mâine, câ poate îl voi aprecia mai mult.) Sunt o nesuferită azi. In loc să apreciez că omu caută alinare la subsemnata, în loc sa fiu și eu helpful stau și scriu pe site-ul ăsta ca o self centered bitch. I-am zis de prea multe ori ce consider că ar fi bine și ce nu. restul e chiar în mâna lui, n-ar trebui să mă ambalez atat.

Bun, nici Path Metheny nu mă impresionează în noaptea asta :))

S-ar putea să fie prea târziu, capul mi-e încărcat cu tot felul de gânduri, probleme, nedumeriri, cu siguranță e și acesta un motiv pentru care mă simt cum mă simt.

Cred că m-am săturat de singurătate...


PS: Zappa, don't be mad at me, I'll listen to your music more carefully tomorrow.

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep Sea, and music in its roar:
I love not Man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.


by George Gordon (Lord Byron)

Thoughts 2

It's been a while since I've written.. and everything is pretty much the same. Same people in my life, same situation, same feelings, same music. Well.. a short update on the friends list due to my moving in Germany for this year but still not such a big deal. Things haven't changed much.. maybe my way of thinking is a bit different, but I don't consider that being a huge change.

Why Thoughts 2? Wednesday, June 2, 2010 was a post called "Thoughts". Yes, you've nailed it.. it's about the same person (wow, what a surprise). It's interesting how things can get better at times. Our paths crossed again, like I wanted it to back then.. and I'll be honest with you, cause heck, it's not like he'll ever know, it was one of the most beautiful moments so far in my life. I enjoyed his company and I like to think that he did too. And I also like to think that he was himself and that he had just as much fun as I did. I like the way I am around him, I can bitch around, make bad jokes and be a lady all at once hah. It's not like I miss him terribly when I don't see him.. It's when I see him that my world turns upside down. It's silly, stupid and retarded, call it whatever you want. I just ask myself why. I'd be a freak if I'd say something like "there's a certain connection there". Even though I think there is. But why now? Why after all this time? Why does he want to talk to me more often all of a sudden, why would .. I dunno, I give up. See?? this is what goes through my head whenever I like someone.. I over-analyze everything like I'm my personal shrink. I keep asking all these questions and I get all insecure. (Wow, someday when I'll read this again I'll think "what the fuck were you thinking, girl chillax".)

You know what he is? He's like a hailstorm. When it's all warm outside he comes like huge clouds and messes everything up, leaving a few marks and then disappearing just like that. Ice melts, leaving no trace of where he came from and where he's heading or anything and after that you say "wow, what was that just now?" It's how I see him. And I think that's what I like about him. Yeah.. I really think I like him.. that's not alright... Am I supposed to tell him? And if I'd do such a stupid thing..how could I possibly do it? I don't see those words coming out of my mouth while I'm around him. How would I put it without sounding like any other desperate girl? "Hey you.. I like you.. I'd really wish to wake up next to you one morning..or a couple of mornings or.. I'd like to get to know you and I'd like you to let me in and show me who you are and see if(in a far away universe in my head) we'd ever be awesome together.

Wow, that was cheesy as fuck.

Even though ..

Today I lost it, today I really lost it. My father was unbelievably selfish and said some of the most hurtful words to me. I feel betrayed at some point, disappointed, lost. And I thought I became immune to hurtful words but apparently I'm not. I see it reflected in the things I do, nothing, simply nothing went alright today. I try to make myself believe that he only said it because he was angry, but it's not the first time he throws words like that at me. Only today, well.. I wasn't looking forward to such a conversation. If your parents are divorced, I'm guessing what one can wish is to have a decent relationship with both sides, right? You need to be able to believe in something as a human, therefor most of us chose to believe in our parents. We choose to, because they're the closest people in our lives. Or at least that's how it is supposed to be. I always saw some kind of hero in my father, he was, at some point, always there when I needed him. But the older he grows the less he cares about the words that come out of his mouth, isn't that a bit cruel? I mean what possible achievement can you receive by hurting the ones you love? And why risk destroying a father-daughter relationship that has been hanging by a thread lately?
It's stupid. He's sick, he keeps saying he doesn't have much time left, he apparently still loves my mother, he also doesn't care that my mom is going through some really hard times, especially with him always bugging her. Then there's me.. I come once every 3 months home and we barely see each other. What the hell? Then he keeps telling me about my step-sister and how we should get along, be close friends bla bla, hello dad? You can't just build a close friendship with someone you a. don't have much in common and b. never really sympathized?

I don't know, my head hurts, everything hurts somehow. I just want to scream and break something. Oh well.. we can only hope for the best.


PS: Thanks dad.

Right now.

This is one of the most delightful things I have read in a while now. Enjoy!

"Right now is a phenomenon. Right now extraordinary things are happening.

Right now…

1. A soldier of sorts is diligently fighting the fight so you don’t have to.
2. Someone who suffered from a severe injury last year is back on their feet.
3. A small group of people are building something that will soon make the impossible possible.
4. Somewhere on Earth a double rainbow is stretched from one end of the horizon to the other.
5. One of the next Billboard-chart-topping musical artists is patiently rehearsing in her garage.
6. A piece of literature is being written that will eventually change your perspective on life.
7. Young children all over the world are singing and dancing before they even realize there is anything that isn’t music.
8. A friend is helping a friend rise above thoughts of suicide.
9. Someone is thinking what you’re thinking, but hasn’t said anything yet either.
10. Two people in your hometown are falling in love.
11. Somewhere someone is admiring a breathtaking sunrise, and somewhere else a surreal sunset.
12. People of various religious backgrounds are in temples, churches, mosques and other places of worship praying, wholeheartedly, for world peace.
13. Someone who has struggled with their weight for the last several years is standing on a scale and smiling.
14. Hundreds of cute elderly couples are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
15. A baby girl just took her first few steps without falling.
16. Two best friends are laughing so hard they aren’t even making any noise.
17. A future world leader is in grade school at recess.
18. Someone is in the process of sincerely forgiving a seemingly unforgivable act.
19. There’s a kid studying hard somewhere who aspires to get to where you are in life.
20. A firefighter is running into a burning building to rescue a perfect stranger.
21. Someone in your vicinity genuinely wants to be your friend.
22. A young mom is lying in a hospital bed and holding her newborn baby twins for the very first time.
23. Someone is taking a shower and singing happily at the top of their lungs.
24. There is someone out there who smiles when they think of a specific moment they once shared with you.
25. An alcoholic just celebrated one full year of sobriety.
26. Volunteers in major cities all over the world are working at homeless shelters caring for those who are less fortunate than themselves.
27. A young man is pulled over on the side of the road helping a young woman change a flat tire.
28. A high school athlete just broke her own personal record.
29. Two teenagers just received their very first kiss ever from each other.
30. A husband and wife who were drowning in debt five years ago proudly hold a balance of zero on their credit cards.
31. Someone is hugging a friend who desperately needs it.
32. A new small business owner just wrapped up his first profitable year working for himself.
33. A grandfather is holding his granddaughter’s hand and they’re both smiling from ear to ear.
34. Someone just placed their spare change in the charity collection cup at the grocery store.
35. A small group of friends are sitting around a table sharing funny stories and cheerfully reminiscing about the good old days.
36. A breast cancer patient just found out her cancer is in complete remission.
37. Someone out there is missing you and looking forward to your next visit.
38. Honest people are working for various government entities to help protect your basic human rights and civil liberties.
39. An emergency room surgeon is in the middle of saving his patient’s life.
40. Someone is holding the door open for the person behind them.

Right now is a new beginning. Right now is an opportunity.

Do something extraordinary"

You'll find the original post here:
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/01/03/40-extraordinary-things-happening-right-now/

A poem

Here's a poem written in 1932 by Mary Elizabeth Frye.
"The identity of the author of the poem was unknown until the late 1990s, when Frye revealed that she had written it."

I stumbled upon it and found it quite good:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the star shine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.

On a night like any other.

What can I do, when I can't sleep, can't think, can't watch a movie, can't even smoke? I write. I write about life, about things that bother me, things that I'd like to see, to feel, to have, things I don't. I give life to the small thoughts that roam in my head, hoping that at some point, while writing everything down I get my answers. But they never appear.
I heard my grandmother on the phone today, she sounded awful, so weak and helpless and I can't do anything about it. It's my family we're talking about and I'm more than 1000 km away from them. My mother needs so much support right now. She's been wandering from hospital to hospital, she took days off from work, she doesn't even sleep as much anymore and all I do is nothing, because I can't. I should study, I should think about my future but I can't. Because unlike others, my family has always meant everything. They've always loved me and supported me and gave me everything I needed and when they need me I'm not there. I don't want to be one of those people that are not there when somebody is in need. Especially my family.
The idea that my grandmother might die and I might not see her again is simply unbearable... She's one of the reasons why I'm a good person at heart, I learned it from her, from the times where she'd get so many visits from old friends, having lunch in her garden, having a great time. She would always make everyone laugh and still have time to cook something in between so that the table was always filled, the people were enjoying themselves and didn't even wish to leave. That's at some point who I wanted to be when I got old. She never got divorced like my parents did, she never cried when she was sad, she always had a kind word for everyone. She's.. my grandmother...I know she's old but losing her would be such a hard thing on my mother... and look it's been only a couple of lines and I don't know how to continue. Because I don't want to imagine anything bad happening right now, I know it's selfish of me and I know I am not making any sense right now, but I'm alone and scared and I don't think I could talk to anyone about this situation, not the way I'd want to. My mom has always been my best friend and frankly I don't want to call her at 2 AM to tell her that I'm weak and that the hole situation at home is bringing me down like hell. And what bothers me most is that somehow I always make everything about me...

Azi nu am scris in engleza.

Simt si atat.
Nu vorbesc, nu vreau.
Tin pentru mine dar simti si tu.
Pentru ca tacerea e buna atunci cand e impreuna. Cand e impartita.
Reciproca. Nevoita. Simt si stiu ca mai mult nu e bine.
Nu acum, nu maine.
Dar mi-e bine, caci tacerea e ca un cuvant de alinare.
Daca ar fi vorbe de zis atunci ceva ar lipsi.
Nevoia de cuvinte nu inseamna decat nesiguranta, nevoia de a sti ceva cu precizie.
E atunci cand ceea ce simti nu mai e indeajuns.