On a night like any other.

What can I do, when I can't sleep, can't think, can't watch a movie, can't even smoke? I write. I write about life, about things that bother me, things that I'd like to see, to feel, to have, things I don't. I give life to the small thoughts that roam in my head, hoping that at some point, while writing everything down I get my answers. But they never appear.
I heard my grandmother on the phone today, she sounded awful, so weak and helpless and I can't do anything about it. It's my family we're talking about and I'm more than 1000 km away from them. My mother needs so much support right now. She's been wandering from hospital to hospital, she took days off from work, she doesn't even sleep as much anymore and all I do is nothing, because I can't. I should study, I should think about my future but I can't. Because unlike others, my family has always meant everything. They've always loved me and supported me and gave me everything I needed and when they need me I'm not there. I don't want to be one of those people that are not there when somebody is in need. Especially my family.
The idea that my grandmother might die and I might not see her again is simply unbearable... She's one of the reasons why I'm a good person at heart, I learned it from her, from the times where she'd get so many visits from old friends, having lunch in her garden, having a great time. She would always make everyone laugh and still have time to cook something in between so that the table was always filled, the people were enjoying themselves and didn't even wish to leave. That's at some point who I wanted to be when I got old. She never got divorced like my parents did, she never cried when she was sad, she always had a kind word for everyone. She's.. my grandmother...I know she's old but losing her would be such a hard thing on my mother... and look it's been only a couple of lines and I don't know how to continue. Because I don't want to imagine anything bad happening right now, I know it's selfish of me and I know I am not making any sense right now, but I'm alone and scared and I don't think I could talk to anyone about this situation, not the way I'd want to. My mom has always been my best friend and frankly I don't want to call her at 2 AM to tell her that I'm weak and that the hole situation at home is bringing me down like hell. And what bothers me most is that somehow I always make everything about me...