2011 to-do list.

So a friend of mine came with this awesome idea: a to-do list for the coming year. Reason? Our Christmases weren't that extraordinary and we thought hey, let's be a bit more optimistic for the next year.

This is it:


1. getting my drivers license
2. going to a Coldplay concert with Alina
3. grill with friends
4. road trip with some good music through Romania
5. a hot-smart-rich-funny-healthy boyfriend
6. hair color change- to red! (maybe this year I'll do it)
7. fall in love
8. take all exams in Germany
9. reduce the amount of time spent with PC games
10. visiting a doctor to get my heart checked
11. discovering more good music
12. buy Cataclysm
13. waking up earlier in the morning ( YEAH RIGHT)
14. visiting an orphanage
15. drawing at least twice as much as last year
16. go on a trip with dad
17. trying out new/exotic food
18. learn how to swim
19. grow some decent nails
20. drink a Cosmopolitan
21. a fancy date with a dear friend.

365 days should be enough to accomplish everything.

Meh..

It didn't even feel like Christmas at all.


So what do you do when your whole world goes down, when someone is feeling awfully sick and you can just stare and wait for them to either get better or get worse?
You get scared and don't know anything else what to do aside from despair, crying, hoping, praying.
Life can be so unfair at times.

Change

I remember the day I left Brasov for my studies in Timisoara. My theme song was "Boston" by Augustana. I kept listening to it for almost a year and I kept thinking that I needed a change, a new place, where nobody knew me. I didn't feel like I belonged home for some reason. The problems at home kind of overwhelmed me, I couldn't really take dad's illness anymore, not the situation my family was in. And above all that (because we humans are simply selfish), I felt I wasn't really appreciated.. not that I did anything special, guess at some point I needed more understanding? Frankly, I'm not even sure what I wanted. I just didn't fit in for some reason.

There's always this idea of changing, of moving to a different place, running away from problems, because yes it basically is an act of selfishness and cowardliness. But people tend to do this. We think " ok I'm leaving everything behind me now, the past doesn't matter, I'll start a new life where nobody knows my name" etc. Well trust me on this one, that's bullshit.

Life is always faster than you and the past that you wanted to run away from it always gets back at you. Not always in a bad way but it just..something or someone will always remind you of who you are. But simply the whole idea of moving to some place and start new is complete bullshit. I've noticed that... I'm myself wherever I go, no major changes, except for the view and the friends.. but I stay the same. I miss my home now though and I realized a while back that it was a good thing to leave home but just because of the exploring, learning new things, meeting new people. The rest? It was all in my head. I did belong there. Actually a person belongs to every place he/she wants to belong to. It's about you making the place in your favor. Maybe that's a bit too much said, but the whole idea is to not think you don't belong there but think of what to do to make that feeling of "not belonging" go away.

I've come to the conclusion that people don't really change as much as they'd want to. I'm not saying bad people can't become good people, I'm just saying that the changes we'd like to see or the changes we'd want to have are not always to our expectations.

Life is a tricky thing. Sometimes I really do get the feeling that everything is written somewhere and everything goes with what is written there. It's like someone is reading the whole story out loud and facts happen due to that. Yes life is a story in the end... isn't it?

Well.. today something really nice happened. A Chinese girl from my dorm gave me a present. She gave me a nice pair of chopsticks. I was really surprised because we didn't really talk that much, but whenever we did, we'd have a really nice time. She told me I could visit her in China. I thought that was one of the coolest things that ever happened to me. Now I have to practice eating with chopsticks like hell, so I don't make a fool out of myself when I'll visit her. :) Small things like this really do count, you know. I just had a good feeling today, and I'm not talking about the belonging part, but rather being appreciated for whatever small thing you do. It's late and I might not express myself right but I'm telling you life is really not that bad. And it's not because of the chopsticks, alright??

I'll blame this comforting feeling on the Christmas season. I'll be home in a few days and frankly I can't wait to see my parents and my friends. I miss them.

Guess I had to leave home to truly appreciate them and everything around me.

Willkommen und Abschied

Since I haven't felt like writing in a long time I decided to post a lovely poem by Goethe. The title fits perfectly with what has been happening in my life recently.. I really need to catch up on some stuff and turn them into pleasant lecture cause I sure learned a lot of things in these past 3 weeks in Freiburg. Wonder what I'll say after 1 year here, hah.

Willkommen und Abschied

Es schlug mein Herz, geschwind zu Pferde!
Es war getan fast eh' gedacht;
Der Abend wiegte schon die Erde,
Und an den Bergen hing die Nacht;
Schon stand im Nebelkleid die Eiche,
Ein aufgetürmter Riese, da,
Wo Finsternis aus dem Gesträuche
Mit hundert schwarzen Augen sah.

Der Mond von einem Wolkenhügel
Sah kläglich aus dem Duft hervor,
Die Winde schwangen leise Flügel,
Umsausten schauerlich mein Ohr;
Die Nacht schuf tausend Ungeheuer:
Doch frisch und fröhlich war mein Mut:
In meinen Adern welches Feuer!
In meinem Herzen welche Glut!

Dich sah ich, und die milde Freude
Floss von dem süßen Blick auf mich;
Ganz war mein Herz an Deiner Seite
Und jeder Atemzug für Dich.
Ein rosenfarbes Frühlingswetter
Umgab das liebliche Gesicht,
Und Zärtlichkeit für mich - ihr Götter!
Ich hofft' es, ich verdient' es nicht!

Doch ach, schon mit der Morgensonne
Verengt der Abschied mir das Herz:
In Deinen Küssen welche Wonne!
In Deinem Auge welcher Schmerz!
Ich ging, Du standst und sahst zur Erden
Und sahst mir nach mit nassem Blick:
Und doch, welch Glück, geleibt zu werden!
Und lieben, Götter, welch ein Glück!

Floating Sadness

I started this post while listening to this song. It used to be one of my favorite songs about.. 2 years ago? Haven't listened to it in quite a while, nevertheless it's meaning and power hasn't faded. It's the perfect reflection of today's society. Monotony! A certain lady once said "Beware of monotony; it's the mother of all the deadly sins." (Edith Wharton) I could not agree more. It's monotony, boredom, dullness.. that push us to do things we wouldn't normally do. It's also monotony that makes us sad, tired, depressed.

We have forgotten to appreciate small things. We have forgotten to smile. We have lost this sense of freedom. all we have is greed and loneliness. No wonder we spend fortunes on things we do not need when all we really require as life forms is free. Air, water, sun, affection.

Our world.

We call it our world ..but normally, people that own something have a rather high gratitude for it and tend to protect it, that only in the case of it being precious, which I believe "the world" is. Yet why do we disrespect it. Better yet why do we disrespect each other? Because we humans do live together and are part of the world, am I not right? I'm not going to talk about global warming, consumption of resources, abuse of mother nature (and yes that sounded porno)etc etc. No.. I'll talk (shortly) about living together as a society. Can't remember who said that "Humans are bound to society. They can not live without it, they can not live as an outcast.". I agree, we can not live without being part of something (or at least feeling it) but.. if that is so true, then why do we treat each other like crap whenever we have the chance? Why is there so much hatred for one another? And let's not forget envy! I guess it has something to do with pride, self-approval? self.. self something anyways. And it's complete and utter bullshit. I don't get the whole envy part. I don't get why it's so hard to help one another. I don't get why we barely smile when we walk on the street. People think you're perverted or you're hitting on them if you smile at them. God forbid you're having a wonderful day and you'd want to share that with the world. I mean seriously now..look at us. We're just a bunch of selfish, arrogant and stubborn consumers/costumers. All we do is buy/sell but never give or receive without a purpose.

-

Sometimes I wish it would be easier for us to express feelings, be capable of showing emotions, at least to our parents who raised us and offer that unconditional love which you will not find at any other person that pretends or thinks they love you. Because the older we get the more this "love", apparently shared with whoever other than your parents will just revolve around stuff like money, reputation, sex, you know.. stuff like that in which some people blindly believe.
The older we grow, the more it will count if you have money, if you own a house, a car.. a company that allows you to live pretty nicely etc.
The older we grow, the more we'd like to date someone with a good reputation, someone astonishingly attractive, you know.. to match well with the money I mentioned above.. and to finish it all with "creme de la creme" if the sex is not good there's either a. divorce or b. (my personal favorite) cheating. Because hell..we have to satisfy all our needs.
See what I mean? And there are billions of such examples. Billions. And you can write about each and every example at least a page. Because we people don't know what to appreciate anymore. And thanks to contemporary media and not only, nowadays children scare the shit out of me. (Some of them.) But that's another topic...
I'll end this post with one of my favorite quotes "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." I guess it's the perfect description of where we stand right now.
Good or evil, right or wrong, love or hate.. we get to choose.


Be it ignoring shattered childhood..


..because it's not always that case.


Because sometimes there is someone to protect you...


..and sometimes there isn't.



Because most of the time words were not easy to say.. that's when we discovered music.


And we began writing our own songs... evolving.



Evolving... ?!


All part of art, the one thing humans should be most definitely proud of.



That art reflected our reality and yes..most of the time it was beautiful.


Like I said.. beautiful.


Up to "post-post modernism"...



We fought wars, we lost many innocent lives.. for the need of power.



And we let a white dove fly in sign of peace.



But what peace is there?


And we pass by such creatures, evidently in this situation because of us...




Yet we have no remorse when we teach our children to be good.



So I guess there's really no excuse for all the things we ignore and all the things we don't.

Have a good night dear reader,
whoever you may be.

On a night like this.

Dear reader,

I began this post with one of the most tranquil songs I have ever heard. It gives you that feeling of warmth in your heart even though frankly I do not know what the man sings about. He could be singing about frogs and dogs chasing cats and spaghetti and even about a cactus. Alright, alright, I'm playing dumb. The meaning of the title is "soul and heart". Frankly..without any translation I could have guessed that. Not with the help of the Latin roots belonging to my language but simply by listening to it. I'm talking a lot of rubbish lately but I'm not quite sure why I have such a hard time finding words. Maybe I've turned into this PC freak vegetable or maybe I'm in love. I wouldn't call it "in love" rather looking forward to falling in love. The mood I've been in lately kind of requires a certain "getting close to somebody" and enjoying their company. I think what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could get to know someone a bit better. Get to talk to someone about all different things that I don't normally talk about. Some kind of connection with someone at more than just physical level. Find that awkwardly crazy of me but I don't really have a good excuse for feeling this way. I've tried reading books, that didn't quite work out. I tried watching movies, hell I even had a film marathon with "top ten teenage movies" and no, don't think I watched American Pie and Date Movie. I mean good teenage movies from the '60s, '70s, '80s. (One of my favorites was "Flirting". Cute story of a British boy falling in love with this half African half English girl. It was quite touching and not cheesy as I would have expected it to be. I do appreciate movies that can tell a love story without exaggerating emotions or adding pathetic pick-up lines that make you wanna hit yourself in the head. Maybe those did not occur because the film was not American :) Yet I will not argue about that, I do enjoy my American movies once in awhile.) Anyway back to what I was saying.. I did many things to try and get my mind off such foolish thoughts but whatever I do, those thoughts keep coming back.

-

Emotion by side.I started driving lessons a few weeks ago and it's going quite well. At my first drive I could already do everything by myself without having my car die in the middle of the street. Yes allow me to brag from time to time, it's what we Aries like doing (kissing their own ass).

For now I don't really want to write anything more. I'd rather lay on my bed, listen to good music and fall asleep thinking about someone, nobody in particular, just someone that could bring me to smile even more then I already do.
Anema e Core.

Have a good night sleep, whoever you might be.

Piece.

http://kelliscarrmusic.com/

Between friendship and nothing.

Fragments of things I have read, heard in songs, etc. that suit my mood.


"You always want me to be a part of you
You always taught me to be alive with you
This is the time and the place and the moment
Feeling the way that I do
These are the signs and the traces of growing
By living the way that I do
I hope you understand and acknowledge
All that's passing through
It's constantly been there and
throwing all that wasn't good
I hope we both find the place
Where maybe some day we will find our strength
And hopefully attain to finally escape"





"While you lie there smoking your cigarettes in search for truth, reality and a better world, she lies awake, being more and more thrilled by your messed up world."


"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Life without a friend is like death without a witness.
"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
"Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

Slowdive/ Mojave 3

Discovered this band a few weeks ago but didn't manage to listen to their music until today. And my God.. I'm sorry I haven't done this so far! They're really amazing.
I've read somewhere that the genre is "shoegaze"... Genre unknown to me so far... but hell, I'll believe them!
"Shoegaze" or not they sound so dreamy to me!





Another cool thing about them is that most of the band members of Slowdive are now known as Mojave 3, one of my favorite bands.



http://www.mojave3online.com/

So .. the guys apparently come from UK (where almost all good bands come from )
Slowdive performed from 1989 to 1995. Then they grew up, going for something more chill, basically dream pop at its best (1995 until present.
Mojave 3 are scheduled to be the supporting act on Jack Johnson's World Tour 2010.
A little research goes a long way!

Here are some teasers :P
Enjoy.


Mojave 3



Slowdive

12:51 AM

Through nights and through days,
On all of my ways,
To weep and to fall,
To love but at all.
To sigh and to scream,
To hope and to dream.

My life is happiness yet to be found.

ATB

Tonight I'm in a weird Paramore - ATB mood. Call me crazy, but they both have great music. (and yes I know.. I have odd taste in music)

Savage Garden

Why Savage Garden? - Truly, madly, deeply.
I miss him again.

I'm fighting with depressions again... well ..maybe not really depression, but rather looking for shelter.
I feel so empty, so.. alone and lost. I can't find shelter anywhere right now, I'm not in the mood for anything, I think too much of the past, I keep going back to people that I shouldn't go to and instead of being happy that I'm going home, that my first year @ college is over.. I don't feel anything. I listen to such lame crappy sentimental songs, I look at pictures of people I haven't spoken with in months maybe even years and it all seems so pointless... like every thing that I did got me in the same damn place where I am right now. Stagnation? Maybe something is keeping me at this point.. but what? Instead of becoming a better person, more mature, smarter etc.. I keep going down for some reason. Everyday I become a bit more lazy, a bit more uninterested, a bit more lonely.

Random

I felt like writing again today.
It's something bothering me. again.. as usual. Nothing is ever right to me.
Got some "Better than Ezra" in my playlist right now, listening to one of their best songs.

I'm really not happy.

Thoughts

I've been thinking about him again. Somehow he simply won't go away.. even after all these years. I've tried to deny it..believing that I fall in love with others but.. in moments of loneliness I think of him again.. I think about those 3 days.. his smile, his voice, his charming person. He took it away from me, without knowing. And it's pathetic..because it was in such a short time.. how can someone simply take your heart like that?
I still dream of him sometimes. I listen to a song he recorded from time to time and I close my eyes because it's that warm voice that I like hearing so much. I still check up on his profile to see where else he has been, what places he saw, what photos he took... And I know, I'm probably nothing to him. He probably doesn't think of me.. but it always means a lot whenever he writes a message telling me how he is.
I guess the only thing I really wish is to cross his path again, meet and have a chat, a coffee maybe, smoke our favorite cigarettes, talking about music.
It's sad.. because I really do have everything I need. Why do I still hang on to nothing?


"How are my blackest eyes? "
They're good... craving to see you again.


Mi-e dor si doare.

Sea Song.

I was listening to this song while I wrote this.
Therefor I chose this title.




Is it crazy to want to help someone? To try and give it all just to make a difference for one person that seems helpless, alone and unaware of their potential?
Today has been far more back-stabbing than I would have expected. As if I hadn't gotten enough kicks in the ass for trying to put others first instead of me. But that's what I do. I never want to give up when I know I can make a difference for someone. I never want to give up whenever I see someone in need of help. There have been people that have done that for me years ago and without them I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. They saw I needed guidance at some point and they were there for me. Even though I pushed them away many times they kept coming back and tried not giving up on me. Because they saw what I was and what I was capable of. They knew there was more to me than what I showed.
We all lose our way at some point and sometimes we can't find it unless there is a close friend around or even your family.
I've appreciated that a lot and I only saw that after years and years when I noticed that there are so few people that want to do something for you without asking anything in return.
That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to make a difference for someone, I tried my best and while trying I got too attached. That was not supposed to happen, it was not planned.
And as usual, that someone turned their back at me. Walked away. One of the many that have done that. And I never learn. Never.


Call it pathetic, dumb, whatever you want. But that's just what I do.
Maybe the words are not the best choice but right now, I felt like sharing this. Maybe that person will read it, maybe .. I'll get a small pat and a "thank you for trying but I really didn't need it". Just maybe.
And maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won't be disappointed anymore.
Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow and my friends will be around me.
Tomorrow I'll be home again.




Drive with me
Do the things you wont believe
Drive with me
Past the city and down to sea
Crushing Dreams
Leave me be, I cannot sleep
Drown with me
Past the city, down to sea
Rush of dream
Leave in peace, let me be
oh, it's the pain
It's ingrained in me
oh, soothe my pain
It's ingrained in me
Drive with me .

Tonight.

I have so many unfinished posts that I don't even know which to finish..


I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that has been happening and I'll go back to one of my favorite movies and quote " Happiness only real when shared".
I don't know what to believe in anymore, but I guess that's nothing new to the "agenda". I suppose we all have our moments of doubts and pointless thoughts. Tonight is one of those moments.

You can.

"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can." - John Wesley

This quote was given to me today. I could not agree more. Thank you Mark!


And to end such a delightful post I can only add such a song:

Thankful.

I feel like writing today. A lot. Too many thoughts.. many things that have happened...
The first thing I'd like to say is that my mother and grandmother got here a few hours ago. I'm thrilled! Honestly. Whenever they come to visit they light up the place. They fill you up with joy and they make you realize how grateful you should be to have them around.
Other than that.. yeah, I had a great day at college. We got a gift and ordered a cake for our teacher's birthday. I'm sure he really appreciated it(as much as we appreciate him as well). It made me happy.
After class, Mark and I went to Billa to look for something. We had a nice chat on the way to that place and back. He's a great person to talk to and I love the fact that he's smart. Makes our conversations jump from one topic to another and we never get the time to discuss all we want to :)
On the way home I picked a few flowers for mom and granny (something tells me they liked it).
Aside from all this.. I'm going to Germany with my college mates on Saturday. I'm kind of excited about the whole thing but I'm also dissapointed that I wont get to see a few of my german friends since they can't reach Bad Kissingen. But hey.. it's been a great day. Besides, I'm enjoying a nice glass of beer and I plan to log on WoW for a few minutes.
Maybe I'll write something philosophical tomorrow if I get the chance. Today.. it was all about me for once. :)

Have a good night, whoever you might be.

Questions.

"Have you ever watched the stars for hours just thinking of how big the universe really is?"
"I do it quite often, why do you ask?"
"It's just...Could you stay here for tonight?"

He moved his hand as if to grab hers,but turned his back and walked away.

Decisions.

Yes decisions. Why? I seem to like the word more and more every day. Decisions define us. Through decisions we either find out who we are or lose ourselves along the way. Decisions influence everything in our lives and in other peoples lives. We go through life in decision after decision after decision. Will I have coffee this morning? Which bus should I take? What dress should I wear? What face will I put on when I enter the classroom/office/store? Where to go this afternoon? Who should I call today? Is it alright for me to love that person? Should I tell that person? Should I call my mother? Should I apply for that job? And my god the list is infinite.. But what happens when things get decided for us? When the bus comes too late. When the dress you wanted to wear is dirty. When your mom doesn't pick up the phone? When the someone you love turns their back at you? When your lover decides to end the relationship because he thinks both are not capable of maintaining it anymore? Well the last one is certainly a kick in the ass, I must say.

What is loneliness?

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is something every human has felt at some point in his life.

It’s as real as a pen, as dirt, as a flower, as a paper cut. It simply is a part of the human condition. It’s a feeling that, despite making you the weakest being of them all existent on the face of the earth at one particular moment it also helps you become a stronger person. It makes you discover things about you that you didn’t know or that you never paid attention to.

How does loneliness occur?

Be it after a break-up, after someone’s death, after moving to a different city/country, after initiating a new perspective in your life, due to lack of affection or even for no reason comprehensible. Loneliness happens.

Friendship: You can be at a party with all your friends, watching how everybody is having a good time, laughing, enjoying themselves...but still you grab a beer, watch them have fun, share an occasional smile and be completely and utterly empty on the inside.

Habit: You can be in your new apartment, cleaning your room and asking your mother for a glass of orange juice from the kitchen. But when you get no response you suddenly realize that there’s nobody to give it to you and you have to get it yourself.

Love: After a recent break-up, with the person you thought you would spend your whole life with. The one person that knew you best, that you shared so much with yet betrayed you; that someone suddenly isn’t there anymore. So you’re lying in bed all by yourself but still leaving that persons side free and draw your hand across that side of the sheets… You’re perfectly aware that you haven’t changed those sheets in weeks but you know why. Because they still smell like that person. So you grab the pillow, squeeze it to your chest and start crying with flashbacks of all the beautiful moments you’ve spent together. All the plans you had together, all the places you wanted to go… Even that small house down the corner that you wanted to buy, yes even that shows up in your mind. Then, you simply break down with the though of how kissing that person felt, how…for one small second the world seemed a better place.

Work: You own a company, that runs pretty well, have success over success, you look at the reviews, but … there is no pride, there is nothing. Not even a person to share that success with.

Death: You drive by the bench you first had your knee injured, because you were running fast to catch up on your father. You pull over and walk to that place. You’re passed your 30’s but you still remember it like it was yesterday. Your father ran to you to pick you up and you both went to the store to buy some candy. That store isn’t there anymore, they built a fancy hotel instead, years after that. But you look around… See how things changed, take your phone out to look at the clock and see it’s 2 in the afternoon. Remember the first phone you ever had? A big black phone that kids used to make fun of back in middle school, but you would still walk around proud and wait for your fathers call, at 2:00 PM. Every single day.

How do we deal with it?

That’s up to you.

You can: drink it off; keep it inside and let it eat you alive; share your pain with whoever is close to you or even a stranger you might never see again; cry and hope time will heal it; smile and pretend everything is fine; do something you enjoy, take a walk, buy something, feed a hungry dog or a cat, even a poor person, do something good, to make you feel worthy or to make you appreciate the small things.

All I can really say is that we’ve all been there, more than once. Everybody knows or has a slight idea about “loneliness”. We might have different views upon the term, we might see it as physical loneliness or emotional one, we might see it as a war with ourselves or with the others but we all know that after the feelings gone, we’re a bit more stronger than we were before.

Tranquility

I felt like sharing this. It sounds pretty good.

Enjoy!

Today.

It's been awhile since I last made an AMV so I thought, hey..why not do one today!
Hope you enjoy it.