Ae.

You never realize how it is to lose someone until it actually happens.
Yes, you've said a couple of 'I'm sorry for your loss"-es and your "I'm there for you'-s but quite frankly you're not, because you on't know how it is most of the times and no, you can't be there and you won't be there because the void that's supposed to be filled can't be filled because that person is gone.


Her... her smile bought so much happiness with it, she was so kind and loving and forgiving. She was. And she loved with all her heart and she loved me. Possibly in the purest of ways and I always knew that. It was the best gift I had in my life, the purest of love.. and she was a mother, a father and then again a grandmother, my grandmother, Irina.. and I miss her so much and I don't know how to deal with it because nobody tells you how to deal with grief. I guess it's everyone's decission how they choose to deal with it.
Be it going in her room, looking at her stuff, opening her closet, taking her jacket, wearing it and playing with her old hungarian cards, crying until there are no more tears left and you decide to put all the things back to their place and just not take them away from there.. because maybe they'll still have her perfume when you grab them next time... maybe the jacket is like holding her in your arms again like that day in september in which you knew it was going to be the last time you saw her. You knew it...

I hope you are well wherever you are, te iubesc buni.

Night time story

I found such a lovely playlist on Spotify...There's something about Nick Cave that is hauntingly beautiful.

Today was an odd day, I had to face a few rejections that I honestly didn't expect and furthermore I had a slight feeling of regret and I came to realize something I was hoping wouldn't happen. There has been a lot going on in my head and too little going on for real, outside of this comfort place inside my head. There's this lack of motivation and lack of time and an abundance of excuses. But I have missed writing and I miss it constantly but rarely do I actually get to spend time with myself the way I want to and even less time to sort out all these thoughts and write them down which is a pity because it was always my go-to place in case of slight depression. I always got to a result after writing because I confronted both rational and irrational sides.
So... what do you do when you have nothing? It would be absurd to say I have nothing because I have been blessed with amazing people ..yet they are never around me and I always wind up alone in a corner with a cigarette in my hand and my phone in the other, always trying to communicate or trying to grasp for some attention somewhere.
It's sad.
The only comforting thing is that other people face this too but have a different way of manifesting themselves. Some work out, some do their best at their job, some have a hobby and some simply ignore it with the idea of it fading away.

Well today is going to end well though, I have Lulu Rouge's "Sign Me Out" on repeat
 and I think it'll be okay.

Signing out,
Good night.

Stormy waters

Here you are, defeated soul,
You find yourself alone ashore
How is it now, with no control?
Don't worry, here - whisky galore.

Your fingers tracing on the wrecks
Of once your prestigious ship
Pick up the other broken objects
I know its hard, too weak your grip.

Where was I, cruel, neglected shadow
To help unwind this horrid fate....
I would say which remains to hallow,
So you'd have little less of weight.

But you my darling, chose your way
And not even the stormy waters
Could keep you near for one more day,
Not even for your broken daughters.

I tried to warn you from afar
I scream so loud your body trembled
But you had said your Au revoire
And I was left to reassemble

The dreams, the wishes, all submerged
The tears, the fears and your pure light.
What easy way out for the cursed?
What other war was there to fight?

Jasmine Tea

De o vreme buna am fost asa, aici, in clipa aceasta. Se tot repeta si devine obositor, apasator, nelinistitor.
Mereu am incercat sa ascult si sa dau si uite ca dupa tot si toate nici nu a ascultat, nici nu am avut loc de spus ceva. Nu e nici prima nici ultima persoana care va face asta. Trebuie sa invat sa spun lucruri pe nume nu sa tot astept ca altii sa stie ce simt eu sau prin ce trec eu. Ce e drept mereu am fost o fire mai depresiva, prea ganditoare, ca o salcie batrana in bataia vantului cu miros de toamna. Nu stiu de unde provine asta, o fi de la singuratatea voita, de la circumstante si trairi.
L-am lasat definitiv si planuiesc sa nu ma mai intorc acolo vreodata. Am lasat in urma totul si ma bucur de ceea ce am si incep sa vad ceea ce nu am si ceea ce nu am avut niciodata. E dificil sa tai de pe lista si e dificil sa vezi cum unii pleaca fara urma, stiu asta cel mai bine. Doamne, unde ati plecat toti? Cu nepasare... oare sunt singura aici careia i-a pasat? Habar n-am. Nu e important. Sigur am facut eu ceva gresit si sper ca in viata asta sa invat unde a fost greseala de fiecare data. O sa imi fie dor de voi toti pt ca am avut parte de clipe minunate cu voi. Acum e randul pentru ceva nou, cineva nou. Oare? Poate ca ne regasim candva, ne revedem candva si ne amintim de ce faina a fost prietenia noastra si ne intrebam ce s-a intamplat. Raspunsul va fi simplu cred eu - Alexandra a renuntat.

Spuneam ca nu sunt self-centered...dar nici altruismul nu mi-a placut vreodata. Nu vreau sa ma defineasca altruismul pt ca voi avea mult de pierdut.

Dar da, cel mai dor imi va fi de el. A fost frumos si a fost de calitate ..si am simtit cu adevarat..dar unele vise nu se pot indeplini decat cu sacrificii mari, iar atunci cand nu esti dispus sa faci acele sacrificii, e clar ca visul nu valoreaza atat cat credeai.

Am asteptari mari. Stiu. Le cunosc prea bine si traiesc cu ele si de bine de rau sunt un om fericit. Sunt fericita cu mine si cu ceea ce pot...si cred ca asta e important acum.

Cat despre tine, draga mea.. sper sa iti gasesti drumul cumva, sa fie bine, sa fii fericita pentru ca meriti, sa inveti sa citesti oamenii mai bine si sa ai incredere mai putina. Poate undeva subconstient iti place sa suferi si de aceea ajungi in situatiile acestea. Sau pur si simplu te-ai obisnuit prea mult cu suferinta de pana acum si ai ajuns aici. Si imi pare rau, as fi vrut sa te ajut cumva dar nu am cum. Ma simt cumva datoare pentru ca nu am fost alaturi de tine cand ar fi trebuit sa fiu, cum de altfel a fost cazul la toti ceilalti oameni care m-au considerat odata a le fi prieten. Dar cine sunt eu sa judec, nu vreau sa judec si nici nu o fac. Tot ce fac e sa dau cu presupusul fara scop.

Pentru forta.
Capul sus, mergem inainte.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYKUeZQbMF0

Drumule, incotro.

Stau in tren, citind o carte.
Dar cu gandu-n alta parte.
Te-am lasat din nou in urma,
Ca si cum as sta la carma.

N-am sa-ti spun de ele vise,
Nici de abureli prescrise.
N-am sa mint, nu-si are locul
Dar mi-am incercat norocul

Tot la tine-mi va sta gandul
Chiar de voi pleca indata
Tresarind, simtind, vazandu-l
Oare-mi mai zambesti vreodata?

N-are sens, n-are nici scop...
Dar la tine am un loc.
Mangaierea amagirii dulci
In bratele sigurantei te culci.

Ai spus si tu, temporar e totul
Chiar si o salcie, o piatra, pamantul...
Si al fiecarui veac, uitarii raman
In cautarea ai inimii stapan.

Dar unde mi-e amuzamentul
Cand iti vad temperamentul
Cand astept, oftand apatic
Dup-al tau suflet salbatic..

Unde sunt, ce caut defapt?
Ajung sa fiu un om inapt.
Sa ma pierd in vasta lume,
Dansand prin ale vietii strune.