Ae.

You never realize how it is to lose someone until it actually happens.
Yes, you've said a couple of 'I'm sorry for your loss"-es and your "I'm there for you'-s but quite frankly you're not, because you on't know how it is most of the times and no, you can't be there and you won't be there because the void that's supposed to be filled can't be filled because that person is gone.


Her... her smile bought so much happiness with it, she was so kind and loving and forgiving. She was. And she loved with all her heart and she loved me. Possibly in the purest of ways and I always knew that. It was the best gift I had in my life, the purest of love.. and she was a mother, a father and then again a grandmother, my grandmother, Irina.. and I miss her so much and I don't know how to deal with it because nobody tells you how to deal with grief. I guess it's everyone's decission how they choose to deal with it.
Be it going in her room, looking at her stuff, opening her closet, taking her jacket, wearing it and playing with her old hungarian cards, crying until there are no more tears left and you decide to put all the things back to their place and just not take them away from there.. because maybe they'll still have her perfume when you grab them next time... maybe the jacket is like holding her in your arms again like that day in september in which you knew it was going to be the last time you saw her. You knew it...

I hope you are well wherever you are, te iubesc buni.