Thoughts 3

I look around sometimes and I see happiness, a lot of it and it makes me happy as well.. I see young families, friends of mine, accomplished people, lonely people, people that can be described as losers, people that are lost, and people that in the face of difficulty thrive, manage, succeed. It is quite amazing what a human can do with a little bit of courage, luck and confidence.

Today I was thinking about having a family of my own. It is true, I am young but one does get a soft moment once in a while and thinks - would I like that? Who wouldn't want a family someday but mine would have to be awesome, epic, absolutely amazing... and in my head I could have that but what if it's not what I am supposed to do? I am no housewife and I could probably never live on a man's back - I'd have to do it on my own.. I'm not a team player like a friend of mine said and I fear that wont do so well. I'll always want to be in control, always want to do everything and that would be bad. Also whoever said that you can have a happy family and a career lied. He lied like a m** f*** liar that he is, cause you can't. One of them will eventually be neglected, which is really our choice.

There are so many things we can do that can go so horribly wrong and quite frankly I am scared. I am scared of not finding the right person to start a family with, scared I'd neglect them, scared that I might not even see the right person for me even if they would be staring right at me. Scared of not having children, scared of having them, scared of having to divorce, scared to scar my kids with a divorce, scared of not being able to do something other than having a family, not having a career, making a difference or at least trying! This is one of those moments in which I doubt it all, one of those small dark moments that pass after a little bit. Cause in the end I shouldn't be this scared because I have such wonderful people in my life - family, friends - and him. I'm curious about this summer when we finally meet - for me it is one of those crucial points in life..scared of that too, go figure, hah.

There -  talking about things makes it all better, I already feel as if someone lifted an elephant of my back.

Stuck

I want,  I achieve.
I desire, I receive.
It's that simple, yet it never has been with you.
I love myself, more than you'd think
But when it's bad, the worse I sink..

When I love, I love with all I have
If I hand over my heart it's yours to grab.
But I have my wishes, my desires,
If those I do not get, you only put out the fire.

You had a choice, you had my time,
But yet again you made a crime...
It's not so bad but quite a shame
but in the end, I am to blame.

So tell me now, 'cause this is dire...
What is obsession and what is desire?
For a simple answer is what I require.

I'm done - right now - it's been enough
you had no ace, you chose to bluff.

Awkward.

So.. remember that song by Kaiser Chiefs? "Oh my God I can't believe it, I've never been this far away from home"? Good song.. but allow me to change it slightly to fit even more - " I've never felt this close to anyone before." Yeaaaaah...... this is happening.. and I suck at changing lyrics. Something tells me I might need a little finger snap and maybe a face palm or maybe nothing. Maybe I'm simply supposed to enjoy this, relax and smile... yes, SMILE.

I'm back in Berlin with the energy of a thousand tigers, ready to do some awesomeness. I am not quite sure what to do regarding my masters - but I thought of this:
1. I sign up for that politics masters, see if I get accepted or not.
2. Send my CV to a friend that can help me get a good job somewhere.
3. Do a little research and sign up for a political party.
4. If nothing of the above works out I'm going to sign up for Art School and do what I always wanted - draw and paint like there is no tomorrow.
Because look... I thought about this quite some time and for as long as I remember I almost never paid attention in college cause I was too busy drawing something in the corner of a page.. It's all I've ever done in this life.. so what will I do? Join the freaking Bundestag and draw "The Starry Night" while they talk about Resource Management and Diplomatic Strategies? Yes, definitely... I'll be the new van Gogh without a beard. Yes.. I think that highly of me. Who am I kidding? Vincent van Gogh's artwork wasn't even really appreciated while he was alive and I'm not sure I want to die at 37 - in that case I might want to stop drinking and smoking.
I'm talking rubbish - I love Vincent's work..  and I am also very happy today. Had my coffee, something to eat and soon I have to head to Kaiser's to shop. Today is oddly good and it makes me think something might go wrong at some point,  I always get that feeling when my day turns out to be too good.

Anywho, I shall leave you now, dear reader, (inserting fancy accent here) for I have highly important errands to attend to.

Au revoir.