Plecare

Cu fiecare pas inaintat
vreau sa ma intorc inapoi la tine
Cu fiecare gand uitat
Vreau sa imi amintesc din nou de tine.

Cu fiecare zambet trecator
Vreau sa te uiti din nou la mine
Cu fiecare vis zburator
Vreau sa vii fugind spre mine

Pe iarba umeda de roua
Sa alunecam spre necunoscut
Sa ne sarutam atunci cand ploua
Sa nu ne pese de trecut

Iar cand pasarile diminetii canta
Tu sa razi cand te trezesti
Cu mainile in aer pe o stanca
Tu sa simti ca ma iubesti.

Walk on

Poate suna ciudat, nici nu imi vine sa cred ca scriu despre asta acum...dar a fost atat de frumos si simt un pic de regret ca se termina aici. Ar fi fost bine, frumos, placut daca ar fi continuat. S-ar fi consumat dupa o vreme si ar fi fost dureros. Asa macar ramane acel zambet pe fata mereu cand te gandesti la ce s-a intamplat si ce bine e sa intalnesti un om care te completeaza, care se uita in ochii tai si nu spune vreun cuvant dar stii ce simte, stii ce vrea sa spuna. Vrea sa spuna stai, nu pleca inca. Te mai vreau aici un pic. Doar un pic sa mai visam. Merita sa traiesti asa, chiar merita. Si ador cand cunosc oameni de la care sa pot invata ceva.
Am invatat o multime de lucruri de la tine, si sper ca undeva ai invatat si tu cate ceva de la mine. As fi putut invata chiar mai mult daca ne-ar fi permis timpul. Insa lucrurile nu merg niciodata asa cum vrem, si ceea ce nu credeam ca se va intampla, ajunge sa se intample cand te astepti mai putin. Este adevarat, acel sentiment frumos apare pe neasteptate si te ia pe sus, pe aripi mari, albe, catifelate, si te poarta pe un vant cald de vara, cu miros de mare, de asternut proaspat, de parfum delicat, de frunze in bataia vantului si pe alocuri mai auzi melodia unor pasari de dimineata care alina orice fel de nedumerire sau nesiguranta.
Da, noi cautam siguranta dar nu exista nimic mai interesant decat a depasi acea siguranta si a ajunge undeva mai departe, dupa zona ta de comfort. Sa te lasi purtat de acel vant fara sa te uiti in urma si sa privesti in fata si sa te bucuri de ce vine spre tine. Sa te bucuri de fiecare atingere, fiecare zambet, fiecare sarut firav si frumos, nesigur, curios.
Iubirea are atatea forme, fiecare diferita dar fiecare merita. Cred ca nu mai pot sa gandesc despre iubire ca este mereu acolo, acea iubire ce dureaza o vesnicie si din suflet. Nu.. aceea se consuma..si e un mit sa crezi in acea iubire eterna. E obisnuinta care intervine, e frica de a trece mai departe, de a cauta altceva. Da, e frumos sa lupti pt ceea ce crezi ca merita, dar cand incepi sa renunti la fericirea ta in favoarea fericirii altuia.. atunci e prea mult. Sa ajungi sa faci anumite lucruri doar ca persoana de langa tine sa fie fericita da, este nobil dar sa devina obisnuinta si sa te neglijezi pe tine e deja exagerat.
Am simtit cum valuri se izbesc de stanci, cum suiera vantul si cum canta pescarusii. Am fost ca o pana purtata de acel vant. A fost superb, si nu am sa uit niciodata. Am fost eu, complet, total si pentru prima data in viata nu mi-a fost teama sau rusine.
"Mereu am fost motivul supararii altora, mereu am creat probleme in jurul meu, asa ca nu pot fi eu cel sa aibe pretentii in situatiile acestea"
"Un prezent ce merita sa ti-l amintesti - o poveste de spus nepotilor"
Am invatat sa fiu eu si sa nu ma deranjeze cine sunt. Am invatat sa ma lupt cu frica si sa let go. De asta aveam nevoie, sa let go for once. Am plans, iar tu te-ai uitat la mine si nu ai spus nimic. A fost un moment pt mine ca nici un alt moment din viata mea.
Nu te multumi cu putin e ceea ce pot spune. Incearca sa fii autentic, sincer, si curajos. Daca te reprimi la viata standard de oras,ascultand muzica la casti, munca,o petrecere, o bere.. nu vei gasi fericirea. Fericirea o gasesti citind o carte buna intr-un parc, calatorind undeva spontan, vorbind cu oameni straini, stand in liniste cateva momente, cu tine insuti cu gandurile tale! Si nu numai... sunt doar cateva exemple.
Am invatat despre libertate si chiar mai mult cum sa incep sa fiu cea mai buna versiune a mea posibila. Sa dai tot ce poti, tot ce ai, sa nu iti fie frica sa inveti si sa nu iti fie rusine de cine esti.
Ma repet, stiu...dar am fost atat de placut surprinsa. Ce mult inseamna un prieten, un om care te primeste cu bratele deschise si e dispus sa te accepte asa cum esti...Un prieten mai mult decat prieten.
Vreau sa citim impreuna din nou, sa ma uit la tine, sa te uiti la mine, sa iti zambesc, tu sa faci fata ta simpatica si sa ne vedem in continuare de treaba noastra.
Cred ca undeva stiu ca mereu vei fi parte din viata mea, si gandul acesta ma face sa ma bucur enorm.

E frumoasa viata, stii?

"The world as I see it" by Albert Einstein

"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."

"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.
"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

A dream I once had.

Floating through a canyon of thoughts which is steep

On the left a tree which grows a heart and a lung, 

The branches are veins pumping the blood from the ground

On the right a motherless child crawls to have a sip from a creek

While a hunter sneaks up to it, without even making a sound.

In front is a mouth swallowing each trail of thoughts

It feeds from pain, insecurities and lies

in return it spits out what seem to be burning fireflies.

The eyes drop little humans trapped in each tear

and through this horrid image an army is yet to appear.

Remember the Nutcracker soldiers that you saw in a book?

Their hands were holding small ripped figurines of themselves

Their steps were hard like ritual drums, dum, dum, dum... dum...

Stop.

Silence.

They stood without motion in what looked like a square.

One moved up front and yelled loud " DARE!" dare...dare..

The echo rang through the canyon and way beyond

And all of a sudden I knew of the bond. 

It took my hand and gave me a figure that turned to ashes

and that was when I fell...

a puppet crashes.

dum, dum, dum... dum....

Eventually the sounds of their march faded.

But what they must have not foreseen

is that you can't destroy something that isn't there and never has been.

The winner takes it all.

This letter is for you,

it's for all the pain I have caused you and all the pain you have caused me.
I miss you terribly but I will not call you cause I know how that will go, I know what you will say and it wont be different. It never is. It's always the same.

I am thinking of the day you'll die, how sick it may sound... I am thinking of your funeral..
I am thinking about how I'll sing a song for you, one in which you might actually hear for the first time that I can sing and that I like to sing.. I'll choose one of regret and pain but not a horrible song in which I judge you, one in which I thank you even for the few moments that you offered me. I might sing an ABBA song cause I know you like them.. or even a song by Pink Floyd maybe.. maybe.
That day I will probably have that conversation with you that you had always promised me, but it will be in my mind and I will try to understand you once again and fail. I'll probably learn everything myself with time and I hope I will understand you once you're gone. When it wont hurt me anymore that you are alive and never ask how I am.. never call... never care.
It hurts me father, it hurts me a lot. And it's stupid to blame this on your illness, no illness should keep you away from your child, furthermore it should bring you closer.

Ahhh dad... how I wish I was a child again.
I miss you so much.