Through forgotten forests, mountains, hills
The walker goes his own path,
chasing after windmills.
She waits in her mind, thoughts and dreams
He searches breathlessly
and stops only at small streams.
While he drinks to gather his strength
Two eyes meet his gaze
So close, at an arm's length.
The image was frightful, the beast was enraged
His sword was too far
but he had to engage.
The beast ripped his body into shreds
and he took his last breath
in the silence that now spreads...
Breathe, breathe, breathe...
too heavy to breathe, the stench of blood, the excruciating pain,
the fear.
The fear?
Fear of death had long left him
For he had lost all he once held for dear.
He could not recognize himself, he couldn't understand
as darkness turned to light grey
there was no promised land.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
1.2.2014
I am at my favorite bar right now, in the best state I know. Alone. I call it the best one because it is the one I feel most comfortable in. I like it here cause despite all the talking from all the other people there is a kind of quiet that you rarely find anywhere else. No wonder this place is always full.
I came home a few days ago and I think I am still getting accustomed to the change of view. Went out with dad and my brother, had a good time with them today... Before that I had a good time with my older sister as well and of course the all so popular fights with my mom.
I ordered a nice cake and a ginger tea. Still waiting for that cake to come, I need the little sweetening.
The past couple of days people have been telling me that I care too little about myself and too much about others but I beg to differ. I think about myself all the time and that makes me a little self centered. The only difference though is that when I do think about myself I don't act in my own selfish interest but I consider other people that might be affected by my choices. And I think that's quite rational. Right? You can't step on everyone to get to what you want. You need to consider people that you might hurt in the process.
Today I decided to talk about cheating. It is one of my favorite topics. It says so much about the people around you but ... Where is the motive ? What lies behind it and why do people cheat?
My experience with cheating is not the best. The first encounter that we ever had was a while back, when I was still a child and didn't quite understand why or how. as a result my parents divorced in a very pleasant manner and everyone went on with their lives... Well. Not quite. But that is a long story that continues until today and it's point is close to zero. After some time though I started understanding the why and the how. And it's quite simple.people cheat. They cheat because they feel neglected, lonely, miserable but they also cheat because of the thrill. The knowing other new people, something untouched, unknown and mysterious interested in your person, in what you hide and what you have to offer
(incomplete)
I came home a few days ago and I think I am still getting accustomed to the change of view. Went out with dad and my brother, had a good time with them today... Before that I had a good time with my older sister as well and of course the all so popular fights with my mom.
I ordered a nice cake and a ginger tea. Still waiting for that cake to come, I need the little sweetening.
The past couple of days people have been telling me that I care too little about myself and too much about others but I beg to differ. I think about myself all the time and that makes me a little self centered. The only difference though is that when I do think about myself I don't act in my own selfish interest but I consider other people that might be affected by my choices. And I think that's quite rational. Right? You can't step on everyone to get to what you want. You need to consider people that you might hurt in the process.
Today I decided to talk about cheating. It is one of my favorite topics. It says so much about the people around you but ... Where is the motive ? What lies behind it and why do people cheat?
My experience with cheating is not the best. The first encounter that we ever had was a while back, when I was still a child and didn't quite understand why or how. as a result my parents divorced in a very pleasant manner and everyone went on with their lives... Well. Not quite. But that is a long story that continues until today and it's point is close to zero. After some time though I started understanding the why and the how. And it's quite simple.people cheat. They cheat because they feel neglected, lonely, miserable but they also cheat because of the thrill. The knowing other new people, something untouched, unknown and mysterious interested in your person, in what you hide and what you have to offer
(incomplete)
15.11.2014
There's so much darkness.
Darkness you will always find
In the purest of the light.
In the laughter of a child
On the moons shining bright
Even in the farthest wild.
In a leaf that falls gently
In the shadows on the streets
In a face that smiles friendly
When your eyes, his eyes meets
In the holding of one's hands
In a promise at the wedding
In the deserts dried out sands
In a lover who's pretending
Everything's just fine my dear,
Why the sadness in your voice?
In the morning she'll have left,
Because she had no other choice.
Darkness you will always find
In the purest of the light.
In the laughter of a child
On the moons shining bright
Even in the farthest wild.
In a leaf that falls gently
In the shadows on the streets
In a face that smiles friendly
When your eyes, his eyes meets
In the holding of one's hands
In a promise at the wedding
In the deserts dried out sands
In a lover who's pretending
Everything's just fine my dear,
Why the sadness in your voice?
In the morning she'll have left,
Because she had no other choice.
16.2.2015
Lost in the fog of persuasion
promenades on the streets of temptation
Black and white, your hands in mine
my sins in yours.
promenades on the streets of temptation
Black and white, your hands in mine
my sins in yours.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Ae.
You never realize how it is to lose someone until it actually happens.
Yes, you've said a couple of 'I'm sorry for your loss"-es and your "I'm there for you'-s but quite frankly you're not, because you on't know how it is most of the times and no, you can't be there and you won't be there because the void that's supposed to be filled can't be filled because that person is gone.
Her... her smile bought so much happiness with it, she was so kind and loving and forgiving. She was. And she loved with all her heart and she loved me. Possibly in the purest of ways and I always knew that. It was the best gift I had in my life, the purest of love.. and she was a mother, a father and then again a grandmother, my grandmother, Irina.. and I miss her so much and I don't know how to deal with it because nobody tells you how to deal with grief. I guess it's everyone's decission how they choose to deal with it.
Be it going in her room, looking at her stuff, opening her closet, taking her jacket, wearing it and playing with her old hungarian cards, crying until there are no more tears left and you decide to put all the things back to their place and just not take them away from there.. because maybe they'll still have her perfume when you grab them next time... maybe the jacket is like holding her in your arms again like that day in september in which you knew it was going to be the last time you saw her. You knew it...
I hope you are well wherever you are, te iubesc buni.
Yes, you've said a couple of 'I'm sorry for your loss"-es and your "I'm there for you'-s but quite frankly you're not, because you on't know how it is most of the times and no, you can't be there and you won't be there because the void that's supposed to be filled can't be filled because that person is gone.
Her... her smile bought so much happiness with it, she was so kind and loving and forgiving. She was. And she loved with all her heart and she loved me. Possibly in the purest of ways and I always knew that. It was the best gift I had in my life, the purest of love.. and she was a mother, a father and then again a grandmother, my grandmother, Irina.. and I miss her so much and I don't know how to deal with it because nobody tells you how to deal with grief. I guess it's everyone's decission how they choose to deal with it.
Be it going in her room, looking at her stuff, opening her closet, taking her jacket, wearing it and playing with her old hungarian cards, crying until there are no more tears left and you decide to put all the things back to their place and just not take them away from there.. because maybe they'll still have her perfume when you grab them next time... maybe the jacket is like holding her in your arms again like that day in september in which you knew it was going to be the last time you saw her. You knew it...
I hope you are well wherever you are, te iubesc buni.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Night time story
I found such a lovely playlist on Spotify...There's something about Nick Cave that is hauntingly beautiful.
Today was an odd day, I had to face a few rejections that I honestly didn't expect and furthermore I had a slight feeling of regret and I came to realize something I was hoping wouldn't happen. There has been a lot going on in my head and too little going on for real, outside of this comfort place inside my head. There's this lack of motivation and lack of time and an abundance of excuses. But I have missed writing and I miss it constantly but rarely do I actually get to spend time with myself the way I want to and even less time to sort out all these thoughts and write them down which is a pity because it was always my go-to place in case of slight depression. I always got to a result after writing because I confronted both rational and irrational sides.
So... what do you do when you have nothing? It would be absurd to say I have nothing because I have been blessed with amazing people ..yet they are never around me and I always wind up alone in a corner with a cigarette in my hand and my phone in the other, always trying to communicate or trying to grasp for some attention somewhere.
It's sad.
The only comforting thing is that other people face this too but have a different way of manifesting themselves. Some work out, some do their best at their job, some have a hobby and some simply ignore it with the idea of it fading away.
Well today is going to end well though, I have Lulu Rouge's "Sign Me Out" on repeat
and I think it'll be okay.
Signing out,
Good night.
Today was an odd day, I had to face a few rejections that I honestly didn't expect and furthermore I had a slight feeling of regret and I came to realize something I was hoping wouldn't happen. There has been a lot going on in my head and too little going on for real, outside of this comfort place inside my head. There's this lack of motivation and lack of time and an abundance of excuses. But I have missed writing and I miss it constantly but rarely do I actually get to spend time with myself the way I want to and even less time to sort out all these thoughts and write them down which is a pity because it was always my go-to place in case of slight depression. I always got to a result after writing because I confronted both rational and irrational sides.
So... what do you do when you have nothing? It would be absurd to say I have nothing because I have been blessed with amazing people ..yet they are never around me and I always wind up alone in a corner with a cigarette in my hand and my phone in the other, always trying to communicate or trying to grasp for some attention somewhere.
It's sad.
The only comforting thing is that other people face this too but have a different way of manifesting themselves. Some work out, some do their best at their job, some have a hobby and some simply ignore it with the idea of it fading away.
Well today is going to end well though, I have Lulu Rouge's "Sign Me Out" on repeat
and I think it'll be okay.
Signing out,
Good night.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Stormy waters
Here you are, defeated soul,
You find yourself alone ashore
How is it now, with no control?
Don't worry, here - whisky galore.
Your fingers tracing on the wrecks
Of once your prestigious ship
Pick up the other broken objects
I know its hard, too weak your grip.
Where was I, cruel, neglected shadow
To help unwind this horrid fate....
I would say which remains to hallow,
So you'd have little less of weight.
But you my darling, chose your way
And not even the stormy waters
Could keep you near for one more day,
Not even for your broken daughters.
I tried to warn you from afar
I scream so loud your body trembled
But you had said your Au revoire
And I was left to reassemble
The dreams, the wishes, all submerged
The tears, the fears and your pure light.
What easy way out for the cursed?
What other war was there to fight?
You find yourself alone ashore
How is it now, with no control?
Don't worry, here - whisky galore.
Your fingers tracing on the wrecks
Of once your prestigious ship
Pick up the other broken objects
I know its hard, too weak your grip.
Where was I, cruel, neglected shadow
To help unwind this horrid fate....
I would say which remains to hallow,
So you'd have little less of weight.
But you my darling, chose your way
And not even the stormy waters
Could keep you near for one more day,
Not even for your broken daughters.
I tried to warn you from afar
I scream so loud your body trembled
But you had said your Au revoire
And I was left to reassemble
The dreams, the wishes, all submerged
The tears, the fears and your pure light.
What easy way out for the cursed?
What other war was there to fight?
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