A night with the words of Damien Rice.

So you say you like me, you say you like me a lot.. that you appreciate who I am and what I do and that you're concerned about my future. But what if I wanted you in my future? What if I wanted to spend every minute I had with you... what if I hadn't left... would you have stayed with me? despite the fact that you said you didn't ant a relationship? Would you have held my hand throughout time.. would you have let go? Would you have been a coward when things got rough? Would you have ran away first chance you had?
I can't know for sure.. I probably never will... but I appreciate the empty words, I appreciate your admiration, your sweet words, your kisses... I do. "Ce faina esti" ... I hate those words now.

Why'd you fill my sorrow with the words you borrow? Why'd you sing Hallelujah, when it means nothing to ya... why'd you sing with me at all... Why did you? When in the end it didn't mean what it meant to me. You were the wise guy always saying how much you liked me and still I ended up liking you more. I ended up hurt.. again alone.. like I always am. Because I'm cursed to part-time happiness. I'm like a beggar at the street corner, only I don't beg for money, I beg for love. Were you really that greedy to share some? Do you have none left in you to give? Or is it easier to be a coward than to fight for something that might have been worth something?
They say never fight for someone that is not willing to do the same sacrifices you would do for them... they say never to love someone that doesn't have the time to love you back.. well I am not talking about love, i'm talking about letting someone in, only for a bit. I'm delicate even though I look strong, tough. My weakness is feeling. I feel.. too much.. for those that get close to me. It's a curse I need to live with, it's my fair share of life. I might be lucky, I might be smart... but I have one weakness. A huge weakness that leaves a hole in my soul each and every time i let someone in. I wonder how deep that hole can get... and I wonder if there will ever be someone capable to fill that hole. Because that someone will have to be so damn awesome.

I want you here tonight, want you here.. cause I can't believe what I found. What I had found. What I have lost.. what could have been..

The older you grow, the bigger the pain they say. Is it really what I should look forward to?

I'd go to you right now... stand in front of you and ask you to tell me all those things face to face. You coward. Run away from something beautiful just because you are not capable of fighting a bit.. How could you. Why did you. Why did I? Why did we? Where was my brain when I needed it to be there.. rationality. Why leave me at my worst? Why guide me at my best.

I want to hear what you have to say about me, hear if you're gonna live without me. What the hell do you want?  - Damien Rice. Yes... I quoted 3 of his songs so far, more to follow, don't worry. It's tonight's playlist. It's the perfect combination for rage... pain.. disappointment, loneliness.  Because those seem to be my favorite states in the world. They guide me through life like a trained dog guides a blind man.

And so it is, just like you said it would be, and so it is the short story - no love, no glory. But I can't take my eyes off you, not even my mind. Because I really liked the way you smiled at me each time...held my hand... kissed me like nobody ever had. It might seem as lame, stupid.. naive.. you didn't do much, you didn't have to do much... you were you and that I liked. Even with a fucking pink shirt.

There.. writing always calms me down, makes me feel better. Because what he is to me is not real. There's always something better waiting. There has to. That's why I get up each time... besides it's better to be lonely than to have someone not worthy. I'm sorry I threw myself like that in front of you. I'll be cautious next time, I'll try.. but I wont forget your nice personality too soon. I don't want to... maybe I'll call you in a few days and maybe we'll meet up and talk.. maybe steal a kiss or two, an embrace and a smile. A moment of lies, lies that are good for the moment. Silly, right?

Because... at some point in all this, I really thought your hand was fitting mine just perfectly. I want to watch a movie with you.. tickle you a bit, then you'd kiss me and whisper how awesome I am. I'd like that. A lot.

It's 3 AM. I hope you can't sleep because you know what you've done.. and that you're missing out on something so beautiful because you're a coward. You are... how could you? How could you...

I hope you lied about everything, i hope you don't like me this much and I hope you were just a simple asshole that doesn't care. That would make everything so much easier... and good God I HATED YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC. Horrible, awful... douche bag music, aside from trance. Trance I like.. liked anyway. Gonna avoid it for a tiny bit so I don't have anything to remind me of you. I don't want to throw away that rose though... could I keep it? How pathetic I sound.. somewhere between pathetic and desperate. But I guess the best excuse is that people really are desperate for love, which makes my current state excusable .. well.. bearable.

Come on brain, step in.. do our thing. Give me strength.. let me get over this... and fast if you may.

Because it is not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball.

No dawn, no day

So I'm doing what I do best when I am in a mood like this. It's indescribable quite frankly, because I never really know what this mood is about - it starts from pure fascination about something, really happy that it will happen, then the actual thing happens and my mood goes down just like that. As if I have some huge standards or expectations that can't be achieved. I wonder how this works and why it always happens at some point. Then I make my usual tea - probably green jasmine and if not something cherry flavored and I sit down and think - is there really nothing that can make me happy? Like really happy, on a long term, constant, not fluctuating so badly.. because I presume it's not healthy. How do you lower standards? How do you achieve happiness? And most important - how do you make it stay?

Right now I want to lay on the ground with my headphones on, playing my favorite songs and watching stars.


Eectric Guest - Troubleman