Thought of the day

Everyone thinks they can understand each other...
well remember that they can't.
Never completely, never enough.

If there is something ...

...that I have learned in this life,

it's that the ones that suffer the most

are always the ones that can't make up their mind.

Music is part of me

Dog is Dead - Teenage Daughter from Jordan Bahat on Vimeo.

...and such songs simply delight my heart and fill it with warm fuzziness.. that's how much I like bands like this one. Dog is dead, Imagine Dragons, The Veils, Arkells, Athlete, Young the Giant, Two Door Cinema Club... and the list continues. But I think you get the point :) The song is so goooooood.

Residue

Because today is one of those days..

"It went okay but we had a bad start, you had just woken up and I was lost."
"Are you ever lost?"
"More often than you think, lost in thought, lost in space and time, lost in decisions and emotions."
"Be more responsible, don't just waste all your earnings for nothing! Save up and I promise you it will be better in a long term."
"Since when do my finances have anything to do with us?"
"Since you decided we're going to be an us thing, a while back. Remember? You made me promise and I did, we were going to make it happen."
"I guess that was probably the worst thing I could ever make you promise, now you're forced to keep it..."
"Why would you put it that way? It's all I've ever wanted anyway."

Fragment from one of my short stories.

Again

It happened again, actually I think it never even changed.. and it is unexplainable ... and I don't mind at all. It's that warmth.. that.. something. 

"We did it! I can't believe it!" That is what I am waiting for in this life...

I have found the band I can best relate to.. by the way, all their songs are amazing, ALL of them :)

Imagine Dragons - Demons from Issac Rhim on Vimeo.

Bleeding

I'll never change who I am, I'll always see the good side in people. I might hate myself because of this sometimes, I might want to hit my head against a wall, but I'll never change that. Why should I change for a society that is raised to have different ideas, concepts and ideals? For people that have other priorities and don't have the same perception of good? Or do not see things the way that I do?

Vain

In this world of sorrow and pain,
Who are we to play this game?
What if it is all in vain?
What if we don't feel the same?

Why does the smile of a child fade?
We only grow older and afraid
of the regret that the image we had portrayed
became this sad, forgotten serenade.

Pride might be everything left in our soul
To sustain the fact that once we were hole,
Now we are lost and one part is missing,
It's that child's laughter, once wishing...

for a world without hatred, lies and pain.
So I ask you again - is everything in vain?

The thought of summer.

Waves crashing to the shore,
I sigh and gasp, forevermore.
Why think about it, why regret
When easier it would be to forget.
The sea it screams out for the summer,
like wanting my heart to become warmer...
I've given up the thought of you
But still I linger for what seemed true.
Oh how I wished to walk the shores
you'd be mine and I'd be yours

She could have been the one he adored...

Kiss my shoulder, kiss my neck
but then again let me forget.
I struggle through this horrid maze
It's cold and lonely through this haze,
I walk with nothing much in sight...
But then again I found the might
to struggle through this, find the light,
Find the hopes and dreams and sighs..
They're out there with the fireflies,
they roam around and play and dance,
in hopes of this beautiful, short romance.

by Alla.

A night with the words of Damien Rice.

So you say you like me, you say you like me a lot.. that you appreciate who I am and what I do and that you're concerned about my future. But what if I wanted you in my future? What if I wanted to spend every minute I had with you... what if I hadn't left... would you have stayed with me? despite the fact that you said you didn't ant a relationship? Would you have held my hand throughout time.. would you have let go? Would you have been a coward when things got rough? Would you have ran away first chance you had?
I can't know for sure.. I probably never will... but I appreciate the empty words, I appreciate your admiration, your sweet words, your kisses... I do. "Ce faina esti" ... I hate those words now.

Why'd you fill my sorrow with the words you borrow? Why'd you sing Hallelujah, when it means nothing to ya... why'd you sing with me at all... Why did you? When in the end it didn't mean what it meant to me. You were the wise guy always saying how much you liked me and still I ended up liking you more. I ended up hurt.. again alone.. like I always am. Because I'm cursed to part-time happiness. I'm like a beggar at the street corner, only I don't beg for money, I beg for love. Were you really that greedy to share some? Do you have none left in you to give? Or is it easier to be a coward than to fight for something that might have been worth something?
They say never fight for someone that is not willing to do the same sacrifices you would do for them... they say never to love someone that doesn't have the time to love you back.. well I am not talking about love, i'm talking about letting someone in, only for a bit. I'm delicate even though I look strong, tough. My weakness is feeling. I feel.. too much.. for those that get close to me. It's a curse I need to live with, it's my fair share of life. I might be lucky, I might be smart... but I have one weakness. A huge weakness that leaves a hole in my soul each and every time i let someone in. I wonder how deep that hole can get... and I wonder if there will ever be someone capable to fill that hole. Because that someone will have to be so damn awesome.

I want you here tonight, want you here.. cause I can't believe what I found. What I had found. What I have lost.. what could have been..

The older you grow, the bigger the pain they say. Is it really what I should look forward to?

I'd go to you right now... stand in front of you and ask you to tell me all those things face to face. You coward. Run away from something beautiful just because you are not capable of fighting a bit.. How could you. Why did you. Why did I? Why did we? Where was my brain when I needed it to be there.. rationality. Why leave me at my worst? Why guide me at my best.

I want to hear what you have to say about me, hear if you're gonna live without me. What the hell do you want?  - Damien Rice. Yes... I quoted 3 of his songs so far, more to follow, don't worry. It's tonight's playlist. It's the perfect combination for rage... pain.. disappointment, loneliness.  Because those seem to be my favorite states in the world. They guide me through life like a trained dog guides a blind man.

And so it is, just like you said it would be, and so it is the short story - no love, no glory. But I can't take my eyes off you, not even my mind. Because I really liked the way you smiled at me each time...held my hand... kissed me like nobody ever had. It might seem as lame, stupid.. naive.. you didn't do much, you didn't have to do much... you were you and that I liked. Even with a fucking pink shirt.

There.. writing always calms me down, makes me feel better. Because what he is to me is not real. There's always something better waiting. There has to. That's why I get up each time... besides it's better to be lonely than to have someone not worthy. I'm sorry I threw myself like that in front of you. I'll be cautious next time, I'll try.. but I wont forget your nice personality too soon. I don't want to... maybe I'll call you in a few days and maybe we'll meet up and talk.. maybe steal a kiss or two, an embrace and a smile. A moment of lies, lies that are good for the moment. Silly, right?

Because... at some point in all this, I really thought your hand was fitting mine just perfectly. I want to watch a movie with you.. tickle you a bit, then you'd kiss me and whisper how awesome I am. I'd like that. A lot.

It's 3 AM. I hope you can't sleep because you know what you've done.. and that you're missing out on something so beautiful because you're a coward. You are... how could you? How could you...

I hope you lied about everything, i hope you don't like me this much and I hope you were just a simple asshole that doesn't care. That would make everything so much easier... and good God I HATED YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC. Horrible, awful... douche bag music, aside from trance. Trance I like.. liked anyway. Gonna avoid it for a tiny bit so I don't have anything to remind me of you. I don't want to throw away that rose though... could I keep it? How pathetic I sound.. somewhere between pathetic and desperate. But I guess the best excuse is that people really are desperate for love, which makes my current state excusable .. well.. bearable.

Come on brain, step in.. do our thing. Give me strength.. let me get over this... and fast if you may.

Because it is not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball.

No dawn, no day

So I'm doing what I do best when I am in a mood like this. It's indescribable quite frankly, because I never really know what this mood is about - it starts from pure fascination about something, really happy that it will happen, then the actual thing happens and my mood goes down just like that. As if I have some huge standards or expectations that can't be achieved. I wonder how this works and why it always happens at some point. Then I make my usual tea - probably green jasmine and if not something cherry flavored and I sit down and think - is there really nothing that can make me happy? Like really happy, on a long term, constant, not fluctuating so badly.. because I presume it's not healthy. How do you lower standards? How do you achieve happiness? And most important - how do you make it stay?

Right now I want to lay on the ground with my headphones on, playing my favorite songs and watching stars.


Eectric Guest - Troubleman

Unfair

When you hit your head against the table - gently though because you wouldn't wanna shake things up in there - when you walk around the house, when you know there are so many things you need to do, when you listen to that one song that reminds you of him and you put it on repeat and torture yourself pointlessly -  and all you think about is that one man that lightens a dark day, that does nothing but makes you forget about every bad thing that has happened with only one smile. I will never forget that moment though. Somewhere in my head the thought of him feeling the same wont fade away. It's unfair, everything is.

Empire of Hope

Beat inside of me,

Bird of prey!

Capture my thoughts

and throw them away.

Leave nothing but an empty soul,

and a heart that will never be whole.

Why have I mistaken you so

 For the one thing I thought I'd know?

 Why did I believe in you,

the words you said, were they even true?

 Through space and time I travel now,

To find the answers to why and how...

 I fly between stars, without any gain

 My dearest love, everything has been in vain.

In the end...

...everything's gonna be just fine :)

Love is blind

So what can you do if you feel a part of your soul being ripped out?


"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over...."

...five miserable years.

*Quote from The Holiday.

Hello

I haven't written in such a long time that I don't even know where to start. Not quite sure I want to write too much though because I have to admit things have been quite good lately. I get the feeling that I'm somewhat appreciated and that what I'm doing is ok, not perfect but ok. The way things developed and the way time passed is somehow pleasing to notice. But is it really this good? You know when insecurity strikes and when you're thinking you might not deserve certain things, you might now be choosing the right path or you might not be doing the right thing... it happens.
I turned 22 recently and for some reason I feel old. As if yesterday I was this rebel hanging out with all the wrong people, being 15 and unstoppable. And now I know that I have to start being responsible, have to start fighting for what I want and need. But is what I want also what I need? Or the other way around? But before I get even more concerned I need to say I had the most amazing birthday anyone could ever wish for. I had my closest friends with me, I drank a bit too much sadly but nevertheless I remember how awesome it was and how everyone felt good, even the music was awesome! Also two friends from Bucharest came to visit me and we talked quite a bit, great couple they are and I hope we maintain this friendship. So yeah I will look back on that day and be happy. Really happy :)

I'm staring at the most beautiful flowers I have ever received from one of the most important people in my life... a person that knows me well and that never let me go. I get sentimental and insecure about this topic every time because that person means a lot to me and I wouldn't wish to mess something up. But then again maybe it's ok how it is and we're doing fine and we'll be doing fine for now and I shouldn't worry about anything else.

I have to finish my bachelors thesis... I have to write to this lady for a job and my God I am scared of growing up :)

"Childhood fades away quickly", my grandmother always said; it's actually true. Youth is wasted on the young. Why can't we just be born with a bit more brain and rationality and die young and stupid? I know, I'm going a bit too far but it's true. Think of all the fucked up people that winded up that way because they didn't have a decent education or decent parents? The childhood sooner or later reflects upon the character when you grow up and frustrations remain deep inside even if you try to hide them. But I've also seen cases of amazing parents that simply raised incredibly arrogant, spoiled, stupid children.. so how does this work then? And what about the amazing children that manage to make it even though they had a horrible childhood? I'm trying to find a connection here between childhood and adulthood to explain certain things/traits/reactions/ etc that people have. Because they say education is important but then again we're talking about the good or the bad essence of the child. What influences that? Because as I mentioned before there are amazing children with awful parents.. they learned from their parents mistakes. But why don't other children learn then? Does it have to do with the fact that we're not equal.. some are stronger and some are weaker? I wish to disagree with that to a certain extent. I think a good part of the persons personality is also influences by the parents or the friends or the place in which the child grows up. But partly I think the child is also born with certain qualities and defects which makes this sorting out that I'm trying to do here quite pointless. I'm just trying to figure out how things work.. why there are such bad people and why such good people? and why there is so much envy in the world? (on envy I have a hell of a theory though.. I'll leave that for another topic) and why do we absolutely need to look for people similar to us to feel comfortable? Because everyone talks about how equal we are and how equal rights are in order and the whole idea of being one and the same, united.. but that's just major bullshit. We're different, we have similarities but we're different and nobody can understand you or your feelings better than yourself because we can't read minds, we can only read what the other person wants us to see. (depending on the relationship level though).We're like books,drama, comedy, romance,crime... everyone is a genre but everyone understands the book differently.


Enough for today, too much pointless questions.. dumb to be frank but people do need to share their thoughts sometimes.

Have a good night reader,
whoever you may be.



*Picture: Autumn by Oprisco

Failure

I failed yet again. I failed badly and it pains me a lot. I keep ruining things in my life even though I have such amazing things and people in it. I somehow always manage to blow it and it's that disappointment in me that rages because i know I can do more, I know I could do so much more.

Water

How is it that each and every time I hold a mans hand something happens afterwards. It's like a curse trying to keep me from being happy, from having someone next to me. All I ever wished for was to have some sweet relationship with someone, to give the best I could and to simply share a feeling with someone... I have so much love in me and nobody to share it with. It's slightly disturbing to get a kick in the ass every time you get only a tiny bit close to someone.

Eh.. maybe I'm doing something wrong.. or maybe I'm not .. supposed to have anyone yet? Maybe I need to learn to live with myself.. but the thing is I've always been by myself and it's fine up to a certain point.. there are moments when you simply wish for someone to be next to you and hold you. I must be doing something wrong. Guess I should simply stop looking for things that aren't there.

Good night dear reader,
hope you're not feeling as lonely as I do right now. :)