I remember the day I left Brasov for my studies in Timisoara. My theme song was "Boston" by Augustana. I kept listening to it for almost a year and I kept thinking that I needed a change, a new place, where nobody knew me. I didn't feel like I belonged home for some reason. The problems at home kind of overwhelmed me, I couldn't really take dad's illness anymore, not the situation my family was in. And above all that (because we humans are simply selfish), I felt I wasn't really appreciated.. not that I did anything special, guess at some point I needed more understanding? Frankly, I'm not even sure what I wanted. I just didn't fit in for some reason.
There's always this idea of changing, of moving to a different place, running away from problems, because yes it basically is an act of selfishness and cowardliness. But people tend to do this. We think " ok I'm leaving everything behind me now, the past doesn't matter, I'll start a new life where nobody knows my name" etc. Well trust me on this one, that's bullshit.
Life is always faster than you and the past that you wanted to run away from it always gets back at you. Not always in a bad way but it just..something or someone will always remind you of who you are. But simply the whole idea of moving to some place and start new is complete bullshit. I've noticed that... I'm myself wherever I go, no major changes, except for the view and the friends.. but I stay the same. I miss my home now though and I realized a while back that it was a good thing to leave home but just because of the exploring, learning new things, meeting new people. The rest? It was all in my head. I did belong there. Actually a person belongs to every place he/she wants to belong to. It's about you making the place in your favor. Maybe that's a bit too much said, but the whole idea is to not think you don't belong there but think of what to do to make that feeling of "not belonging" go away.
I've come to the conclusion that people don't really change as much as they'd want to. I'm not saying bad people can't become good people, I'm just saying that the changes we'd like to see or the changes we'd want to have are not always to our expectations.
Life is a tricky thing. Sometimes I really do get the feeling that everything is written somewhere and everything goes with what is written there. It's like someone is reading the whole story out loud and facts happen due to that. Yes life is a story in the end... isn't it?
Well.. today something really nice happened. A Chinese girl from my dorm gave me a present. She gave me a nice pair of chopsticks. I was really surprised because we didn't really talk that much, but whenever we did, we'd have a really nice time. She told me I could visit her in China. I thought that was one of the coolest things that ever happened to me. Now I have to practice eating with chopsticks like hell, so I don't make a fool out of myself when I'll visit her. :) Small things like this really do count, you know. I just had a good feeling today, and I'm not talking about the belonging part, but rather being appreciated for whatever small thing you do. It's late and I might not express myself right but I'm telling you life is really not that bad. And it's not because of the chopsticks, alright??
I'll blame this comforting feeling on the Christmas season. I'll be home in a few days and frankly I can't wait to see my parents and my friends. I miss them.
Guess I had to leave home to truly appreciate them and everything around me.
