12:51 AM

Through nights and through days,
On all of my ways,
To weep and to fall,
To love but at all.
To sigh and to scream,
To hope and to dream.

My life is happiness yet to be found.

ATB

Tonight I'm in a weird Paramore - ATB mood. Call me crazy, but they both have great music. (and yes I know.. I have odd taste in music)

Savage Garden

Why Savage Garden? - Truly, madly, deeply.
I miss him again.

I'm fighting with depressions again... well ..maybe not really depression, but rather looking for shelter.
I feel so empty, so.. alone and lost. I can't find shelter anywhere right now, I'm not in the mood for anything, I think too much of the past, I keep going back to people that I shouldn't go to and instead of being happy that I'm going home, that my first year @ college is over.. I don't feel anything. I listen to such lame crappy sentimental songs, I look at pictures of people I haven't spoken with in months maybe even years and it all seems so pointless... like every thing that I did got me in the same damn place where I am right now. Stagnation? Maybe something is keeping me at this point.. but what? Instead of becoming a better person, more mature, smarter etc.. I keep going down for some reason. Everyday I become a bit more lazy, a bit more uninterested, a bit more lonely.

Random

I felt like writing again today.
It's something bothering me. again.. as usual. Nothing is ever right to me.
Got some "Better than Ezra" in my playlist right now, listening to one of their best songs.

I'm really not happy.

Thoughts

I've been thinking about him again. Somehow he simply won't go away.. even after all these years. I've tried to deny it..believing that I fall in love with others but.. in moments of loneliness I think of him again.. I think about those 3 days.. his smile, his voice, his charming person. He took it away from me, without knowing. And it's pathetic..because it was in such a short time.. how can someone simply take your heart like that?
I still dream of him sometimes. I listen to a song he recorded from time to time and I close my eyes because it's that warm voice that I like hearing so much. I still check up on his profile to see where else he has been, what places he saw, what photos he took... And I know, I'm probably nothing to him. He probably doesn't think of me.. but it always means a lot whenever he writes a message telling me how he is.
I guess the only thing I really wish is to cross his path again, meet and have a chat, a coffee maybe, smoke our favorite cigarettes, talking about music.
It's sad.. because I really do have everything I need. Why do I still hang on to nothing?


"How are my blackest eyes? "
They're good... craving to see you again.


Mi-e dor si doare.

Sea Song.

I was listening to this song while I wrote this.
Therefor I chose this title.




Is it crazy to want to help someone? To try and give it all just to make a difference for one person that seems helpless, alone and unaware of their potential?
Today has been far more back-stabbing than I would have expected. As if I hadn't gotten enough kicks in the ass for trying to put others first instead of me. But that's what I do. I never want to give up when I know I can make a difference for someone. I never want to give up whenever I see someone in need of help. There have been people that have done that for me years ago and without them I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. They saw I needed guidance at some point and they were there for me. Even though I pushed them away many times they kept coming back and tried not giving up on me. Because they saw what I was and what I was capable of. They knew there was more to me than what I showed.
We all lose our way at some point and sometimes we can't find it unless there is a close friend around or even your family.
I've appreciated that a lot and I only saw that after years and years when I noticed that there are so few people that want to do something for you without asking anything in return.
That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to make a difference for someone, I tried my best and while trying I got too attached. That was not supposed to happen, it was not planned.
And as usual, that someone turned their back at me. Walked away. One of the many that have done that. And I never learn. Never.


Call it pathetic, dumb, whatever you want. But that's just what I do.
Maybe the words are not the best choice but right now, I felt like sharing this. Maybe that person will read it, maybe .. I'll get a small pat and a "thank you for trying but I really didn't need it". Just maybe.
And maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I won't be disappointed anymore.
Maybe the sun will shine tomorrow and my friends will be around me.
Tomorrow I'll be home again.




Drive with me
Do the things you wont believe
Drive with me
Past the city and down to sea
Crushing Dreams
Leave me be, I cannot sleep
Drown with me
Past the city, down to sea
Rush of dream
Leave in peace, let me be
oh, it's the pain
It's ingrained in me
oh, soothe my pain
It's ingrained in me
Drive with me .

Tonight.

I have so many unfinished posts that I don't even know which to finish..


I've been thinking a lot lately about everything that has been happening and I'll go back to one of my favorite movies and quote " Happiness only real when shared".
I don't know what to believe in anymore, but I guess that's nothing new to the "agenda". I suppose we all have our moments of doubts and pointless thoughts. Tonight is one of those moments.